


A little more - violentine

by orphan_account



Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Bisexual Disaster Clementine (Walking Dead), Canon Lesbian Relationship, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Forced Masturbation, Lesbian Violet (Walking Dead: Done Running), Loneliness, Older Clementine (Walking Dead), Past Minerva/Violet (Walking Dead: Done Running), Physical Abuse, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Verbal Abuse, pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:47:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22375150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Violet's been doing this for five years now, ever since she was sixteen years old. Her band took off and they had to leave school early, it was their one shot at making it, and they did. You'd think that with all the money she had, the parties, the booze, the girls - that she'd be happy - right?But leaving school meant leaving more than just her education behind. Leaving school meant leaving friends.Leaving school meant leaving Clementine.
Relationships: Clementine/Violet (Walking Dead: Done Running)
Comments: 43
Kudos: 141





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! New story! Ahhh! I've written a total of 4 au's now where the girls are famous (winter in your soul where they're figure skaters, be my mistake, oneshots, etc,) but this one if different, and I'm looking forward to it!
> 
> There will be dark themes - so read the tags! I hope you all enjoy it as my other stories are kinda lighter... I think you need some darkness.

Violet's been doing this for five years now, ever since she was sixteen years old. Her band took off and they had to leave school early, it was their one shot at making it, and they did. You'd think that with all the money she had, the parties, the booze, the girls - that she'd be happy - right?  
But leaving school meant leaving more than just her education behind. Leaving school meant leaving friends.

Leaving school meant leaving Clementine.


	2. I can never do this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is your introduction to Violet Adlon, a professional drummer for a band she shares with her fiancee and best friend, amongst others. Her life seems like it's all parties and celebrities - but it's so much worse.

I feel her heart against my ribcage now, as if this is the first time we've done this. It's not the first time. It's so far from the first time.

You'd think that getting high would give you the satisfaction you need - but I wanted more - so I got more. 

I don't sleep around, I need to make that clear. I'm not that rockstar who'll take any girl, any day and do her all night. That's not me. I'm loyal. To my fiancee.

Fiancee. My fiancee who's got me addicted to drugs, addicted to sex, addicted to her. And I can't stand her face, her voice, her eyes, anything about her, but I'll come back for more because I know she's unhealthy for me and there's nothing I love more than getting fucked up on something bad for me.

Minerva shifts in my arms and I look down at her, she's calm, quiet. She looks up at me and I note the sweat on her forehead before rubbing it off with my thumb so I can place a kiss to her skin. She smiles.

I get high on watching you drown

"Have you come down off it yet?" She asks me, and her voice is quiet because she doesn't want anyone else on the tour bus to hear us, as if anyone else is even here. I sigh and look up at the ceiling and nod.

"I'm down. We have a show tonight, don't we? I don't remember."

"I thought that was tomorrow?"

I don't nod, I just groan and roll over slightly holding my stomach. She knows what's up and she strokes through my hair as I bury my face in my pillow that sweat starts to stain.  
"My stomach hurts so bad, I feel so sick,"

"I think you went too hard last night, you said you were doing one line. That was the whole pack." Minerva grinned as she held up the small plastic bag in between her middle and index finger, the white powder pooled at the bottom of it and I just can't help myself as I groan and reach for it, taking it from her hands and wasting no time in doing one more line.

"Is that good?"

"Mmm," I hum once I'm done. I roll back on my back and stare up at the ceiling once more before voices can be heard entering the bus and Minerva is quick as she starts to wipe off the residue of white powder around my lips and nose.

The curtain opens and I turn on my side so that my back is facing whoever's behind me. Minerva strokes my hair and they speak.

"Rise and shine, Vi! We have a show tonight!" Louis says in his obnoxiously loud voice. My head pounds, I'm sweating.

Minerva softens and looks at Louis as she strokes my hair. "She needs a rest. She's been working hard these past few days."

I can almost sense his reply.

"No she hasn't. She's been in bed most of the time and it's not good for her mental health, it'll be good for her, come on, Vi! Let's go out and have fun!"

"Louis, she's tired."

He grunts, now grumpy, and I feel bad that I don't turn around and comfort him. He walks away and out of the tour bus and it's just me and Minerva again.

I look up at her.

"I'm sorry for always being a bother, Minnie."

"You're not a bother." She said, brushing through my hair. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"And I'm proud of you for not listening to him. We need gear when we need it. Yeah, drugs aren't healthy, but how else are we gonna cope with being on the road?" She questioned rhetorically as she combed through my blonde locks.

And my lips contort into a frown as I look at her, she pulls my head, laying on her lap as I speak to her with fear and worry in my voice.  
"You don't use anymore, though. Don't you not?"

"Of course I don't."

"Min, please, be serious. Be honest. Are you still using?"

"Vi, I'm not."

"Please?"

She pulls my arm to rest at her stomach and grins, leaning down she presses her lips to mine.  
"I'm clean and I have been ever since we started trying to have a baby."

And I smile because I trust her and I trust her word.

It's been about four months since we started trying, and I'm still questioning whether or not it's what I want. Honestly. I don't think I'm ready for that, we've been on the road since we were sixteen and Minerva's our singer, we're at the peak of our career, if she gets pregnant then we'll have to stop touring for a while. It's not like she's the drummer we can substitute for months, she's the core of the band. Nobody would be here if it weren't for her.

Initially, I had agreed to having a baby with Minerva because I thought she'd meant in future. The conversation popped up around six months after us getting engaged. We were supposed to be married by then but called off our plans. Our relationship wasn't working. 

Louis reckons that Minerva wanting to carry my baby is her way of staying in my life at all times. Our relationship wasn't working when she brought it up. We were both heavily addicted and reliant on drugs, and yet we're still together, feeding each other's toxic traits.

This isn't the type of environment a baby should come into, but trying to argue that with her is a nightmare in of itself. Minerva wants this and what Minerva wants, Minerva gets.

Even though it meant going behind our managers back to do it.

Even though it meant risking our careers.

Well, mine, at least. 

They'll keep Minerva. She's the core, like I said. But I'm not, I can be replaced.

Louis has tried so hard to tell me that Minerva's trying to get me out of the band, to be a stay at home mom with our baby. And I want to not believe him because that's my fiancee and the woman I've been with since I was sixteen years old, the woman I'm supposed to love and stand by forever. He's supposed to be wrong, she's supposed to be right, I'm supposed to love her and I'm supposed to believe she loves me more than him - but Louis knows me better and deep down, he'll always be right about her.

Still, I can't help but want a little more.

A little more of her skin against mine and a little more of her lips against my own. A little more of red hair's in my hair brush. A little more of pale fingers threading through my hair as I'm arching my back, a little more of warm, sweaty skin against my own.

Just a little more.

~~~~~

Minerva left nearly three hours ago to get makeup done. She's always extra, she wants to be flashy on stage, and who could blame her? Everybody loves Minerva.

And so here I sit, a mirror on the table in front of me as I attempt to get rid of the dark rings beneath my eyes. We don't want rumors circulating. 

Louis sits across from me, sucking his bottom lip in thought. He crosses his arms, but he's not mad. I feel myself burn beneath his gaze but he speaks and suddenly my heart is beating faster than I imagined.

"You've been sleeping in a lot more lately."

I nod, fixing my hat around my head. Sometimes my hair falls out and the hat, well, like I said, it prevents rumours.  
"I know."

"And yet, you still look tired."

"That's just the way I look." I say with an exasperated sigh.

He's quiet. I know what he's thinking and what he wants to say, but I'm hoping he won't be brave enough to. Yet when he clears his voice, I can feel it coming.

"I'm going to ask you a question, and you don't have to answer, but if you don't then I'll know the answer anyway. Are you using again?"

I lick my lips, trying to think of an answer. Grit my teeth for a moment. Then I reply.  
"I'm clean." I dip into the makeup pallet again and begin to lather dark shadow across my lid in a hurry because I'm anxious and I want to get out.

"Violet."

"I'm clean."

"Vi-"

"I'm clean, Louis!" I slam my fist on the table and watch the pallet jump and lift off of the surface. He nods, slowly. I rub my temples and rest my elbow on the table in a regretful manner as he speaks again.

"So, you're clean. But you're irritated. But you're sleeping all the time. But when you're on stage, you're forgetting how to play the songs you've been playing since you were fourteen. And don't think I haven't noticed the nosebleeds when you're on stage. Violet. Be honest. You're not clean."

"I am…" I say with my bottom lip trembling.

He sits up and leans over, he's eyeing me. I'm crying.

"You can talk to me." He says, and I almost think about saying no but he just gets it out of me.

"I just, I am clean, I am," I lie.

Louis sighs, I know he doesn't believe me. I expect that to be the end of it but he goes on.  
"How the hell are you supposed to raise a kid like this? You guys are seriously going all in to try and have this baby and yet you're getting high all the time! You, of all people, should know what addiction does to families. I mean, Minerva sucks, but at least she got clean."

"Minnie only got clean so she could get pregnant," I replied quietly. I knew what I was saying. I knew what I was thinking and by his reply, so did Louis.

"The one who carries the baby isn't the only parent, Vi. You're still involved in this. It's still your responsibility to get clean." He points his finger down at the table and I wipe away my tears because I honestly wasn't crying that much and I don't think he noticed, I may as well get out of the situation.

"I'll get clean, I will. As soon as Minnie gets preg-"

"That's not soon enough!" Louis reprimands me. He never usually shouts and I guess that's why it shuts me up, now I realize how scared I am.  
"What if you overdose? Then Minerva gets pregnant, what then, Vi? Huh? Are you gonna tell me what you're using?"

"I-"

"Tell me. Tell me what you're using."

I'm panicked, tears are falling and hitting the table and I can't stop them and I can't look at him and tell him the truth because I know it's going to hurt him and -

He stands up and walks over to me, paces fast, grabs my arms and forces up my sleeve but I try my best to stop him.

"Just coke! I swear! I - I did a line of it last night but nothing since, nothing,"

"Then show me your arm." 

I don't fight because he'll know either way. I brace myself and he pulls my arm out and examines it. Doesn't gasp. Doesn't yell. He's just silent. And I know why. It's because he's counting the marks.

"Your arms covered in bruises." He explains, as if I don't know that, "From needles." He sighs and drops my arm and he rubs his temple as I sit there with tears running down my face because I just don't know what to say to him to make it better.

"They - They're old-"

"Oh for Christ's sake, Violet, will you stop lying to everyone? They're fresh! I know they are, I've seen them before!" He says loudly as he tries to think of what to follow up with. I don't know what to say. I guess I made a mistake.  
"So you admitted to using cocaine, and you've got needle scars presumably from heroin. What else?"

I sniffle. "P-Painkillers."

"And?"

"Just setraline, but that's only when I'm feeling really, really bad." I look up and I meet his eyes. I know what he's thinking when he furrows his eyebrows but I'm lost when he turns around and walks towards the bunks, it only takes me a few seconds to clamber to my feet and follow him.  
"Louis, no, no there's nothing in there, I swear-"

He knocks me and I fall on to my back, he looks over me and he clearly feels guilty, and so I take this opportunity to stand up and reach into my bunk to get my gear before he realizes what is happening and wraps his arms around my stomach, I kick as he lifts me in his arms and starts to carry me to the lounge presumably to drop me on the sofa where he can take the bag away.

"Put me down!" I beat my hands in fists against his arms but he drops me on to the soft surface of the sofa and I roll, but he takes away the small plastic bag before I can even protest.  
"Louis, please,"

He walks away and he walks towards the bathroom. I know what he's doing but I won't move, I won't fight, he'll win anyway. I just wait and sob into the pillow beneath my cheek before he come back.

And he does come back, he comes back and he has tears running down his own face. Speaks again.  
"Don't you ever do that again. You have a fiancee, you're trying to start a family, you've got a very successful career and there are people who love you - I love you! And yet here you are, risking your life like as if you've got nothing! You're not your father, Violet! You're not a junkie, you're my best friend and, and, you're like my sister, why are you trying to get yourself killed?!"

Bite my lip. "I - I, I'm just trying to feel good, I'm trying to g-get better and - and -"

"You want to be a good wife?"

I shake, "Mhm,"

"A good mom?"

"Y-Yeah,"

"Then stop. taking. drugs. Stop drinking. Stop it. You can't handle it." He's angry, but as he checks his watch and my sobs die down, his demeanor changes.  
"We need to get going. Show starts soon."

I nod. I'm ashamed, I'm scared, I'm anxious.

"Violet, come on. You can do this."

I can't do this.

I can never, ever do this.


	3. Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And in the words of Louis - for Christ's sake, Violet! Just stop lying!

As Minerva thanks the crowd, I'm waiting patiently to leave the stage. When we're playing, I'm focused on drumming, I'm focused on ostinato's and beats, but when I have to sit and smile and wait for her to be done with it in front of a crowd of three thousand people each night - I hate it. 

And so she finishes with a grin and everyone's cheering, I'm expecting her to do what she does each night when she runs over to me and jumps on to the stand by my drums, leans over the symbols and presses her lips to mine as the crowd cheers. 

Once Minerva found out our prime demographic of fans were all teens from ages seventeen and up, this has been her tradition, to snog me in front of them all. And she doesn't just kiss me, she goes all in. I can only imagine the amount of disgusting stuff that comes out of the videos…

She's wrapping an arm around my neck and doing what she can to press closer to me and her lipstick smears my face and I could swear that it's all over me by now.

She only pulls away when our breath tightens and she's grinning, turning to everyone and bowing. With a bottle of vodka in her hands. Another tradition. Except she isn't actually drinking because they banned her from getting drunk on stage a long time ago. 

An incident happened.

My fiancee pulls away from me and wipes her lips with a smirk, I'm blushing as I do the same. Everyone's still cheering as Minerva leans in, her fingertip on my chin, she pulls me closer to her lips but doesn't kiss me and instead whispers.

"I have a surprise for you on the bus."

Chills are running down my spine as she turns and bows before sprinting off stage, and we all follow one by one. As I get backstage, my drum tech starts to dab a cloth against my sweaty forehead but I push her away.

"Have you seen Minnie?" I ask her and she nods. I swallow nervously because damn, am I excited for a surprise?

"She ran off towards the bus, but you need to relax for a minu- Violet!" She calls after me.

I'm running, I don't listen to what she has to say as I run out the back of the stage and follow through the parking lot looking for my home on the road.  
I can't catch my breath because I'm running so fast and as I reach the bus, I don't even open the door, I basically just fall into it and breath out heavily.

"M-Minnie?!" I call our exasperated and excited.

I'm laying on the floor of the bus, having literally fallen on my ass on the way in. I pull myself up and then I see her, arms crossed, standing where the bunks are and looking at me, I laugh as I walk towards her.

"That show was," I wrap my arms around her shoulders, "That show was amazing. I'm so proud of you. I don't know how your voice can be that good even after singing for four nights straight," I laugh into her skin as she runs her hands up and down my back, rocking in a rhythmic manner. We stay like that until I catch my breath, and then she speaks.

"Vi." She's serious.

"Yeah?"

"I'm pregnant."

My breathing stops and I step back, out of her arms. I look over her expression because I don't want her to be lying, or do I? I rub up and down her arms as she nods to me. I don't even need to speak.

Minerva begins, "I took the test before we went on. I wanted to tell you but, you know."

"Really?" I ask her and she nods. I shake, I can't breathe and I don't know if it's me coming down from the cocaine or the absolute terror of what I've gotten myself into setting into my stomach as it churns. I nod and smile.  
"That's - that's great,"

"It is great, because it's what we wanted." Minerva says it with so much conviction, I could almost agree. But I try to think of the positives, I try to, really.

"So, uh. What do we do now? Do we tell management? Can I see the test?"

"I threw it out."

I furrow my brows, "You threw your pregnancy test out? Why?"

"Because we were about to go on stage and I couldn't leave it lying around for management to find," She says, slightly disappointed in my reaction, Minerva reaches up to my face and cups my cheek, rubbing it softly.  
"Violet, this is good. It's good. Okay? Think of the good things. We're going to have a little you. In a few months. Isn't that a good thing?"

"Of course it is," I reply as I press a kiss to her palm. I reach out and brush her hair out of her eyes and smile, able to feel her engagement ring against my skin.  
"It's all working out."

She smiles back, relieved, leans her forehead to mine. "It is. I'm so happy you're not upset, I thought… for a while… that you were having seconds thoughts."

"Never." Always.  
"I've never had second thoughts. I love you. And I'm ready to do this, with you." 

And in the words of Louis - for Christ's sake, Violet, just stop lying!

~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning I'm standing, eyes sunken and body aching as I drop little blueberries on to the food on the plate in front of me. I'm standing in the kitchen area of the bus, aware that I'm not alone when Louis pops by me and steals a strawberry from the tray.

"Someone's got heart eyes, what's all this?" He asks me as he looks at the arrangement I've made. I sigh and spread some more chocolate spread across it before replying.

"Minnie's breakfast. She needed something better than a bread roll. So I made her pancakes."

"What a doting girlfriend," He sneers at me playfully and I roll my eyes as he pulls himself up to sit on the counter beside me. Sighs before he speaks, "You look tired, rough night?"

"My ears were still ringing after the show, you know how it is. Didn't get much sleep but I think I feel relatively okay." I can see him nod from the corner of my eye as I finish my pancakes.

"You were looking at houses last night, weren't you? You fell asleep with your laptop open," he plays idly with the knife I was using, "Thinking of anywhere nice to live?"

"Not really. I was kinda just browsing. When we get home, I wanna have a real home to go to. You know?"

"Haven't heard from your mom, then?"

And I shake my head. I never hear from Mom when I'm on the road. She's always busy with her stepkids, and it honestly hurts a lot.

My mom had me when she was sixteen, so she obviously wasn't gonna get it right first time around, who does? But the way she remarried and planned it all out for the year I left to tour, that's what bugs me. It's like she was getting rid of me and felt like she could finally move on with her life without me in it.

I wasn't even invited to her wedding.

That being said, me and Minnie live with her when we're not touring, and they adore each other. I see it as Minerva is the daughter she wanted. She's talented, she's kind, she's helpful. 

But most of all - fake. Like my mom. Which is why they get along. Minerva doesn't like my mom, really. But she pretends to, because it saves arguments.

Me and Minnie hardly ever have any arguments, it's mostly one sided. She'll always win a disagreement because I'm terrified of fighting back.

Like I am with my mom.  
My mom is my home, now. I live with her, if I fight with her then she can kick me out. 

Minnie's pregnant with my baby now, if I fight with her then she might not let me see the baby. I'm walking a thin line.

"How's Sophie?" I ask Louis as I pick up the tray, "Heard from her lately?"

He nods, "She's doing okay. She's got a new photographer to fill in, she should be here by Wednesday. Nothing like kicking off a tour without a photographer…" he says quietly.

This is our first tour without Sophie, and when you've been touring with somebody this long, it's strange to have them go away. She was diagnosed with liver disease and had to leave half way through our last one, we thought she'd be better by now, but after she had a transplant, her body rejected the new liver. She'd always been healthy so seeing her get so sick all of a sudden was a shock to us all - but especially Louis. He and her had always been inseparable, but now he had to tour the entire country and world not knowing how she was at every moment of every day.

It made me really realize how lucky I was with Minerva.

"She'll be better soon." I smile at him before turning to walk down the hall and towards Minerva's bunk. Opening the curtain, I smile as she shifts slightly with her eyes droopy from tiredness. I press a kiss to her forehead and she smiles as I place the tray in front of her.

Minerva sits up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with the back of her hand. "What's this?"

"I made you breakfast."

"Why?"

I chuckle, "Cause I love you and you deserve it." I say to her, kissing her cheek. She blushes at my touch and smiles anxiously as I begin to brush through her hair. "This is getting longer, Min."

"I know," She sighs, picking off a blueberry from the pancake and popping it into her mouth. "I'll cut it later."

"Okay," I reply, "And how are you feeling? You're not feeling sick yet?"

She grins, "Stomach like steel," she says as she takes a strawberry from the plate and reaches up to pop it between my lips. I tug at it with my teeth and then take a bit, she gets it between my lips fully and I chew it and I can't help but notice her giggling at me.

"What?"

"You're cute."

"You're adorable."

"I guess I am," She shrugs, taking a bite of the pancakes. "Did Louis tell you about the new photographer?"

"He told me there was one, but didn't say anything else. Who is it?"

She waits until she swallows to reply to me, "Her name's Clementine."

"Clementine?!"

"I don't think it's that Clementine." She says to me with her eyebrow raised.

Minerva knows about my history with Clementine, or well, lack thereof. We spoke sometimes in school, we were mutual. She started to tutor me in between practices with the band, because playing shows meant I was falling behind. And I wasn't really smart to begin with. 

We never really had a chance to get to know each other properly, and I'll always regret it. I've tried to get into contact with her since leaving, but as I said we weren't really close so I don't want to come across like a stalker. 

Minerva goes on, "Sophie just said she'd found someone perfect for the job and gave me her name and when she'd be here. That's it."

"Okay." I reply quietly. Minerva sits up, she puts the tray to the side of the bed and gestures me closer. I lean close to her and she speaks lowly.

"You didn't sleep in my bunk last night," She says, wrapping both arms around the back of my neck and pulling me down on top of her. "And I missed you my little sex monster." She presses her lips to mine in a short kiss before I reply.

"Can I be honest?"

"Only."

"I was looking at houses," I explain, "Ones for us to settle in. When the baby's born, we won't be touring for a while, and I'm not staying with my mom for months at a time and having her criticise me on every little thing I do wrong. And there's already five people in that house, seven with us two. We need to just have stability. We can't fuck around anymore"

"You won't do anything wrong." Minerva sighs, patting my back, "Don't worry."

"How can I not worry? This is huge."

"Violet, we can do this." She encourages me, but I'm not so sure. "Please, don't worry." She frowns as she buries her face in the crook of my neck and starts to plant kisses against it.

"Minnie, y-you didn't finish your food,"

"It's hot, I wanna let it cool down," She giggled into my skin. "I love you, Violet. We got this."

"I guess…" I breathe out. I know I'm lying. I know I haven't got this and I know I want to run and I know I can't.

I know I said I'd stay clean, but just this once.

~~~~~~~~

Minerva went to soundcheck earlier, and I've been standing here staring at myself in the mirror for nearly twenty minutes. My skin's pale and starting to break out, my cheeks are pink. This always happens when I use, and now that everyone knows that I've used in past, there's no way they won't put the pieces together. I'm fucked.

Louis is staring at me now, sitting at the bunk across from the bathroom. I feel tears prick at my eyes and a cry nips at my nose, he notices this when I sniffle.

"I can't do this," I say, breaking the silence. "I can't raise a kid, not with her, not with Minerva. I don't want to do this."

His face softens and he speaks. "Tell her this, not me. You still have a choice."

But I shake my head and bite my lip, my tears run down my face. "I can't."

"You can."

"No, I can't," I wipe away some of my tears, "Last night after the show when… when I ran back to the bus, Minnie told me she was pregnant. Um, six… six weeks I think. I don't get it. It doesn't make sense but that's what happened and now I'm stuck with her forever." I say as I begin to shake. "I'm fucked, Louis, I can't do this, I'm not right for this."

"Violet," He says, he stands up and walks over to me, grabs my shoulders and looks me in my eyes. "I can tell you that I love you and show you how much you mean to so many people, but I can't make you want to get better. That's up to you."

And my eyes squeeze close tightly as to prevent more tears, "I don't think I can live like this. I don't want to put a baby through me being like this. I don't wanna put Minnie through this."

"Then you need to get clean-"

"But I can't, I just can't," I breathe out and open my eyes, I look at his expression. He's not serious in a way that makes me think he's angry at me. He's genuine. He looks scared and hurt and I don't even wanna know what I look like.

"Violet, you need to breathe, you're panicking,"

I chew my lip, "I don't wanna put a kid through this. I don't think this was right."

"Hey, listen now. I know you're scared and this is tough but it's real now. You're actually going to have to take care of a baby. You need to get clean and sober asap. I wouldn't trust Minerva to take care of a baby, Violet. This kids life is in your hands."

And he pulls me into a hug as my sobs die down because I realize what he said is true. Minerva's never been a "motherly" type. She never wanted kids before our engagement broke down. She must have something else in mind, but I don't want to believe that now.

It's not long before we're sitting in the lounge, the door closed. I sit up straight with a glass of water he provided for me as we talk. I can hear everyone partying in the other buses in the lot and I'm still somewhat shaky but Louis is trying his best to calm me down.

I take a drink and cool myself down before speaking, "I'm going to get us a house. I found a cabin thing. Four bedrooms." But I shake again, "I didn't think it would actually work and now I'm terrified. I've been sat on the idea for months and then I finally thought I'd made up my mind and she's pregnant. I'm scared."

"But what are you scared of?"

I shrug tearfully and don't answer.

"Is it being a mom?"

"It's everything," I then reply, "It's drugs. I can't take care of a baby on drugs. We're in a big, moving, metal box ninety percent of the time and now I have to marry Minerva. And I love her but I just… I wasn't ready for us to get married, and that's why I originally called it off. But I don't wanna walk away and I'll love the baby, I do already, but I just don't know what to do. I'm not gonna leave or, or break up with her, but I'm just really scared." I admit as he scoots closer on the seat and wraps his arm around me, pulling me in for a hug.

"You have got this, okay? We'll all be with you. We'll all support you. You've got this. Once you get clean, there's nothing stopping you."

"Except myself."

"Drugs are stopping you from being happy, not you. So, you're going to get clean, aren't you?"

"I am."

Liar, I whisper to myself.

~~~~~~~~~~

Now I lay beside Minerva in bed, her arms wrapped around me and I'm pressed closer to her body than before. She presses a kiss to my head and scratches at my hair soothingly before speaking.

"Not feeling good, Vi?"

"Hm?" I hum in response, shifting against her body. I rest my head on her chest and look up at her, eyes closing and lulling back in pleasure as she scratches my head.

She frowns down at me and cups my cheek, kissing my forehead. "You're quiet, acting strange. Are you feeling okay? Are you just coming down?"

I shake my head. "I didn't inject or snort anything today."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I wanna be clean. For the baby." I say, scooting lower to press kisses down her neck and body.

Minerva sighs in pleasure before she speaks again. "You don't have to. I understand that drugs help you."

"But I don't want them to help me and I wanna be alive to help you with the baby," I say, resting my head against her chest again. "Do you think it's a boy or a girl?"

"What do you think?"

"I don't mind. But I like little boys."

"Do you want to teach him how to play the drums?"

"Yeah. A boy with blonde hair like me."

Minerva smiled. "That's perfect."

I hum before propping myself up, now hovering over my soon-to-be wife. I lean down and press my lips firmly against Minerva's, then pull away.  
"Are you gonna marry me before or after we have our baby?"

"Oh, after for sure." She grins, running her hands over my chest and down my body. "I want to look perfect for you. Though I don't know how long I can stay away..." 

And I smile back at her, meeting her lips again. This is the last time we'll be able to sleep together without worrying about anyone around.

After all, the new photographer will be here next week...


	4. I wish I had known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You'll always be my little bluebell."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: brief mention of s*lf h*rm/usage of drugs & accidental overdose. you've been warned
> 
> Quick note! I'm struggling with writers block at the moment so I most likely won't get an update of taste of love out this week, as I'm also presenting a huge thing in school, and I just adopted a kitten today and I'm busy being a mom to her. My apologies?

Slowly I'm roused from my sleep, feeling fingertips on my shoulder as they dig in and lightly shake my body to wake me up. There's a soft voice whispering my name, and I turn around in my bed slightly before opening my eyes tiredly. I'm greeted with the warm smile of my dad, and I smile back drowsily.

"Hey, Vi." He says with a grin, "I thought I'd take you out early for your birthday today. We can spend the whole day together, just you and me, what do you say?"

I furrow my eyebrows, rubbing the sleep from my eyes as I roll in my bed. I lay on my back and speak tiredly, eye closed. "My birthday's on Wednesday." I say sleepily and dad chuckles, reaches out to brush my hair with his fingers.

"I know it is, but I won't be around Wednesday… I wanted to spend today with you. We can do whatever you want."

One of my eyes open and I peek up at him.  
"Whatever I want? What are my limits?"

His smile falls and he sighs, shakes his head, he looks at me with a knowing grin.  
"You can have one can of beer, one. Not two. Not one and a half, one."

"Full?"

"Yes, full. 

I snicker to myself and grin before rolling over again, throw my leg over the side of the bed and whine. "I'm too tiiiiiired…"

My dad stands up and rolls his eyes before walking over, he grabs my ankle and starts to pull me out of the bed as I laugh. "Maybe if you went to bed when I told you to, you wouldn't be so tired. I know you were awake at two in the morning! I could hear you! You think that tapping lightly on your drums will stop me from hearing you, but I still do!"

"Maybe cause the walls in the house are made of fuckin' paper." I suggest, shrugging my shoulders as I stand up. Dad clicks his fingers at me and points at me with furrowed eyebrows and a serious expression.

"No swearing. And it's not a house. It's a trailer. And a nice one, at that." He said, leading me out of my bedroom. The trailer is clean in my dad's defense, he's always cleaned it up when I come around. My mom and dad are married, but don't live together, which may sound somewhat bad, but it's better than them constantly fighting. I stay with mom on the weekends but stay with dad every other day of the week. There was no custody agreement, like I said, they're married. This is just the way I want to do things. 

I sit up at the stool at the counter and begin to pick grapes from the fruit bowl, enjoying the sweetness they over my throat. It's scratchy from sleep.  
"Daddy, how much money did I get for my birthday when I was a baby? Mom said I got a lot and that I'd get it for my eighteenth birthday, can I ask why you guys are keeping it from me?"

Dad sighs again as he fights with the toaster, popping the bread in and slamming down the switch at least four times before it stays. He turns to me and speaks.  
"I'm not keeping it from you, Vi, it's your mom, she didn't want you to have it. She was worried you'd turn out like me and waste your money on other things. Your grandma left you a few thousand, but your mom has it kept away somewhere. Can't do anything about it, I'm sorry, Vi."

I shake my head, look down at the grapes. "It's okay, I don't need it, I was just curious. Once the band takes off, I won't need grandma's money. I just don't want mom to spend it if it was given to me by her."

"Yeah, I can't wait until the band takes off either. I'm gonna follow you everywhere, I'll live in your merch. I'll point at you at all your shows and shout "That's my kid!" And I'll buy tickets to your meet and gree-"

"Oh gosh, dad, no! That's so embarrassing…"

"Hey! I'm your number one fan! I bought you them drums, I get to see you play them! Make sure that €250 dollars wasn't for nothing."

I roll my eyes as the toast pops and dad takes it out, uses the knife to dig into the butter before spreading it across the warm bread. I watch as it melts, thinking to myself, before speaking.  
"Hey daddy, just for the record, I don't think turning out like you would be bad."

He puts a hand to his heart before dropping the knife into the sink, he drops the plate in front of me with a grin. "Is my little bluebell getting soft on me? Aw, should I put your hair in pigtails like I used to when you were little? I'm sure I still have your little floppy hat. You remember that?" He ruffles my hair as I bite into my toast, I grunt and suddenly regret even saying anything.

"I'm kidding," He wraps his arms around my shoulders, "I love you Vi. You'll always be my little bluebell, even when you're a big celeb and partyin' it up with the big rich people, remember the little trailer you came from."

"I won't be partying. I wanna make music. Not party." I say grumpily.

"Everyone party's, Violet." He rolls his eyes, squeezing my shoulders. "What are you gonna buy yourself today?"

I finish my slice and speak. "A rose and some lipstick."

"A rose? Lipstick?" He furrows his brows and I can see his expression as he turns me on the stool to face him. "Is there somebody you're trying to impress, huh? Tell me, what's his name? Where does his live? Do I know his parents? Are you using protection?"

"Gross, dad!" I feel nauseous at his words, and I can tell he's satisfied with his reaction. I gag before shaking my head and shivering. 

"I just don't want you ending up like your mom."

"Cause I was a mistake? And mom never should've had me? And you regret getting with mom?"

"I would never." He says in a sharp tone of voice, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking at me sternly. "Violet Adlon, don't you ever imply that ever again. You are the single bestest thing that's ever happened to me. You're the only good thing in my life, you hear me, madam? You're my little angel and you're my baby girl and you're so cuddly and cute and you're just a little doll-" 

"Noooo! Let go of meeeee!" I whine as he rocks me back and forth against his chest, cuddling me close. "Dad, I'm fifteen!"

"Not for a few days yet!" He argued before releasing me and chuckling. "Go on, wolf down that food and let's get to spoiling you."

~~~~~~~~

"I can't believe you're making me carry all these bags!" I huff. I struggle to keep up with dad as he walks to our seat in the cafe, the bags full of items dangling off of my skinny arms. "My arms are gonna detach from their sockets and fall off."

"You're so dramatic," He says as I sat down, placing the bags beside me. Dad looks at me with a grin and I can sense he's got something on his mind, so I look at him before speaking.

"What is it? Why are you smiling?"

He grins. "I just can't get over how pretty you are. You look like my mom when she was your age. She loved cuddling you when you was a baby, you know? You were small and warm and comforting. Like a little bunny rabbit. I can't believe how old you are. Sorry, I'm gonna start crying," He wipes his eyes and I feel awkward. It's not everyday I see my dad cry. "Sorry Vi, you go get some ice cream up at the counter. Here's your money," he reaches into his pocket, hands me five dollars and I stand up because, what else am I gonna do?

I jog up to the counter and I'm lucky that there's no line. I'm also lucky I already know what I'm getting - mint and chocolate. It's my favorite flavor ever. Usually I'd get three scoops, but I wanna get dad a small cone today so I'm gonna get two.

You know. Just cause I'm feeling generous.

I wait to be served and once I am, i feel anxiety creep into my stomach as I speak. The worker immediately gets me what I asked for and I pay awkwardly before walking back to dad with the ice cream in hand.

Why am I so freaking awkward?

I sit down and pass him the small tub, they didn't have any cones, and he thanks me as we begin to eat. He's stopped crying and seems calm - and we're in a public place - so I decide now is the right time to tell him.

I take a deep breath. "Hey, uh, daddy?"

"Hm?" He hums as he swallows his scoop.

I grit my teeth anxiously and tap my fingers on my knees before I speak. "I um, there's something I've been meaning to tell you…"

And dad raises his head slightly to look at me, eyes roving over me. He looks suspicious at first and then it turns to concern.  
"Baby girl, you're not hurting yourself again, are you?"

I shake my head and bite at my lip. Tears well in my eyes cause I just don't know how to tell him.  
"I feel like you're gonna be mad at me and I really don't want you to hate me. I'm sorry."

He looks me over as I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack, I start to cry. He scoots towards me on the seat and wraps an arm around me, speaking to me lowley so that he doesn't attract unwanted attention.  
"Violet, I could never hate you, nothing could ever make me hate you, even if you killed somebody, I couldn't hate you. I only get mad at you because I care about you and what you do to yourself. I get mad at you when you drink because I don't want you to end up the way I am and I don't want you having any lasting problems, I get mad because I care. But I promise you, if you tell me what's on your mind right now, I'm not gonna get mad at you, not at all." He kisses my temple and strokes my hair.

I calm down as much as I can, but still struggle for words. I don't know how to say it, and so I just come right out with it.  
"I, I like girls." I whisper, "I'm sorry,"

"Hey now, don't be sorry. I like girls too! Girls are great. They're fun!" He says in an upbeat voice as he strokes my locks.

"No, I mean… romantically… I, I like girls, me and Minnie…"

He stops his light strokes of my hair and pulls away slightly as I feel the panic set in again. My breath comes out in sobs as he's quiet for quite some time now.

"You, um, you're gay?"

"Mhm." I bite my lip and nod. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what to do."

"What do you mean?" He furrows his eyebrows. "Sorry for what? You can't control something like this, Violet. And you certainly shouldn't be sorry for it. This is who you are and nothing's wrong with it, and anyone who says otherwise? Well they're uneducated and uncultured and don't deserve you in their lives. I'm sorry if I did anything to make you scared to tell me this, but I'm so happy you felt like you could trust me enough to tell me something so personal. I'm proud of you."

I sniffle, wipe my eyes before he wraps his arms around my shoulders again and I giggle tearfully.  
"Thank you dad, I'm sorry for being such a mess. It's just scary."

"I don't doubt it's scary… now, you and Minerva, are you guys being careful?"

"Dad. What are we going to need protection for? Why are you obsessed with me being careful about sex? Ahhhh!" I shake my head dramatically and he chuckles, stroking my hair as I take a scoop of my ice cream.

"I meant in public, at school and stuff, not getting into trouble. People aren't nice about this sorta thing. But while we're on the topic, please still be cautious. With everything. I don't want anything to happen to you, and I get that you maybe wanna be open about it and be proud of who you are and that's great, but it's still dangerous and I just want you to… you know… be careful, is all."

I sigh contently. "I love you Dad. You don't know how much this means to me."

He kisses my head, "I love you so much more my little bluebell."

~~~~~~~~~~

I roll over in my bed and check the time. It's nearly twelve in the morning now and I've been asleep since dad and I came back from our day out.

I had fun, really. I knew I trusted my dad enough to come out to him, but I didn't think he'd be that nice about it and boy, does it feel good to be accepted.

I roll over and swing my legs over the sides of my bed, rubbing my eyes before I stand weakly on to my feet. I'm still tired. And I'm disturbed by the lack of noise in the trailer, usually dad's awake in the main part of the place watching something on the tv, but it's deadly silent. Maybe he's just as tired as me.

I open the door from my bedroom and walk out, into the kitchen/living space/my dad's bedroom. But there's no lights on, no TV, nothing. I can't even see dad sitting.

I feel wary now as I walk further into the room and I speak quietly. Maybe he's smoking outside? But he'd usually keep a light on…

"Daddy?" I whisper, "Are you okay? It's really quiet." I say, walking past the kitchen and into the living space/dad's room. I can sort of make out that the murphy bed is down, and I flick on the switch to see if my dad's inside of it as usual.

"Dad-" I scream, covering my mouth at what's in front of me. I never thought I'd have to see something like this.

My dad's laying on his murphy bed, but he's out cold. Colder than cold. I can almost feel the freezing air radiating off of him. His skin is white and I can see the purple-ish blue tone of his veins in his arm - his arm that lays sprawled out across the mattress with a needle inside of it.

"Daddy!" I cry out, but I don't wanna rush towards him because I know by the look in his cold, dead, black and dilated eyes that he's no longer alive.

What do I do, now? Am I supposed to call an ambulance? I know he's dead. What are they gonna do except confirm it?

Do I call the police??

Or do I just sit here and wonder if he killed himself because of me? Was he pretending to accept me, did I do this? Was this his plan all along?

Shit.

How did I not notice any signs?

He seemed so happy. He let me get whatever I want… was he just clearing his money on me?

I wish that I had known when I woke up this morning, it would be the last time I woke up in that little trailer I came from.


	5. and I wonder why you did this but I know it's for the best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But I don't have time to asked questions because right now is only about comforting her. 
> 
> And I have a lot of comforting to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi sorry this sucks, but we're getting a little deeper into the story now and soon, a lot of changes will happen. I hope you enjoy, as always, major trigger warnings for drugs/alcohol and other mature and dark themes.

When Minnie told me that the Clementine coming to work with us wasn't my Clementine, I felt inclined to believe her. Minerva had never deceived me, and I didn't believe she ever would.

No. Not until that girl and her bouncing curly hair walked through the doors of my bus, greeting everyone and ignoring me before she walked to the bunks to put her stuff on the "junk bunk". Junk bunk is where we throw stuff that doesn't really have a place and right now, I wonder if Clementine is insulted to be there.

I'm watching her, sitting from the front of the bus. Everyone's crowding around and saying hello, but I can't bring myself to do it. I just sit back and watch.

She has a smile that could melt anything in a split second, and a voice all the same. I can't stop looking at her, because she hasn't looked at me, and anytime she had, it's been a bad look.

Does she not like me?

I sigh, and once everybody leaves Clementine alone, I walk up to her. There's something in my mind telling me not to, but I do anyway.

"Hey, I'm, uh, I'm Violet." I say nervously and scratch the back of my head.

Clementine turns her head slightly, looks at me. She seems angry with me, but I don't know what I've done. She eyes me up and down before turning around again. "I know." is all she says as she walks away.

And I furrow my eyebrows.  
"Bitch." I mumble before I feel arms wrap around my waist and hands travelling up my sides. Of course I know who it is, and of course a smile tugs at my lips 

"Hey you, have you been avoiding me?" Minerva says sweetly, whispering into my ear. "I have a surprise for you."

And before I know it, she's dragged me on to her bunk. And I'm laying beneath her as she sits on my hips, grinding down. The one thing I notice about her is the fact she's refusing to take off her clothes, and it confuses me, so I reach to pull off her shirt -

"No!" She yelps, continuing her grinding. She leans down on top of me and rests her head against my neck, pressing kisses to me. "I just wanna see you tonight." 

I pout before she presses her lips to my own again and begins to lift my shirt up, I'm sitting patiently but still somewhat unsure about whether or not we should be doing this. But as her lips meet mine again, she melts into my arms and instead on finishing off undressing me, she just collapses on top of me and sighs.

"Sorry, Vi." She says suddenly and I'm confused. Minerva props her elbows up on her chest and rests her chin on her palms. "I'm not feeling great."

I rub my hand down her back, stroking her hair. She leans into my soft caresses and I frown at her, "Do you want me to cancel the show tonight?"

She hesitates for a moment before slowly nodding.   
"Yeah." She says, laying her head against me as I brush through her hair and sigh, pulling the curtain to our bunk over so the light wouldn't shine in on us.

"Do you need to cry, Minnie? Is something on your mind?"

She nods again and something unsettling creeps into my body, a feeling, an emotion, I'm not too sure, but I don't like it. I rub her back soothingly, kiss her forehead and I'm about to speak when she does first.

"I don't want you to get involved with Clementine. I don't feel good about her. I know you have some type of… infatuation, with her, but I don't like it. I don't want you to be alone with her, she might try something with you. I need you to be mine only right now, I can't have a baby without you by my side."

"Minnie, shhh, calm down," I say with furrowed brows, rubbing her arm as she shifts slightly against me. "I'm not gonna "get involved" with her. I don't care about her anymore. You're my priority, you and the baby, nothing else matters to me. I prom-"

"But I mean it, Vi. I don't like her. I don't trust her." She says sternly, now looking up at me.  
"Don't get involved with her."

I furrow my brows, kiss her head and smile. "I promise, Minerva." I say, continuing to make promises to her because right now isn't about me, it's only about Minerva and protecting her.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been with Minerva since I was fourteen years old. We were both sent to Ericsons around the same time, both traumatized, so of course we clicked. I went because of my grandma. She went because of behavior issues. She's hot headed, she always has been, Ericsons didn't help her one bit. 

When we left school to pursue this career, the administrators and the "teachers" at Ericson's really tried to get us to change our minds. Because none of us were really fixed, not in their eyes.

Personally I don't think Minnie should've been in Ericsons to begin with. People get angry. It's normal, her parents just overreacted because Sophie was so quiet yet Minerva was so outspoken. They just liked Sophie better.

As I walk down the narrow "hallway" of the tour bus, I find Mitch sitting and playing video games and Clementine sitting across from him focusing on her book. They seem to be getting along some how?

I clear my throat, he looks at me before looking back at the screen and she doesn't even bat and eyelid as she flicks the page. I speak.

"Any of you guys seen Minnie? She wasn't there when I woke up, um… you know she wasn't feeling great yesterday. I'm just a little worried." I scratch the back of my neck nervously before Mitch speaks, taking a swig of his drink, he swallows.

"Yeah we know, you don't cancel shows for no reason." He says bitterly before shrugging, "I haven't heard from her, Clem?"

She finally is forced to look up at me, but she doesn't do it happily. She hates with her eyes and I try to hate back but something about her makes me melt. Not like Minerva does, though.

"Yeah, I saw her." She says simply before looking back at her book.

I blink confusedly and Mitch shares my glance.

"And? Where is she?"

"Shouldn't you know where she is? Aren't you her fiancee?" She replies. "Honestly. Who loses their pregnant, distressed fiancee? That poor girl, having someone like you raise her kid. Must be fucking terrifying."

"Uh, excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing," She shrugs, focusing on her book again. "It's just that we all know who raised you and considering the fact you didn't complete your time in Ericsons, that kids gonna be messed up."

"Hold on, hold on, Minerva's pregnant?" Mitch then adds as if he hadn't been listening. He blinks confusedly. "And it's yours? What? How? What? She's - what? What the fuck is going on?"

I eye Clementine angrily for revealing the news to Mitch, but also wonder how the hell she knew in the first place. I don't think Minerva would tell her. We wanted to keep this a secret, didn't we?

"Look, don't tell management. She's still early. We're figuring things out." I say to him before turning back to eye the brunette angrily, "And you? I don't know where you've got this, this narrative from that I'm going to be a horrible parent because I didn't stay in fucking Ericsons of all places, but keep it to yourself. We all have to live on this bus together for the next few months, it's never easy, the least you could do is shut up unless you have something useful to say." Grabbing my beanie from the counter, I fit it on to my head before swinging open the doors.

"I'm going to find Minnie." Close the door behind me, and I begin to walk around the bus and into the main part of the car park. Only to find Minerva walking over towards our bus, eyes sunken, she looks a mixture of guilt and pain before she sees me and she trembles. I furrow my brows and run over to her, catching her in my arms and rubbing up her back as she begins to cry into my shoulder.

"What's wrong? Where were you? I was so worried about you," I say, burying my nose into her shoulder blade. "Minnie, stop crying, tell me what's wrong. Tell me, it's okay."

She sniffles, hiccuping slightly before she speaks.  
"Vi, Vi, I was at the hospital,"

"Why? Why were you at the hospital?" I ask as I stroke her back and fear the worse.

"I, um, I had a miscarriage, I'm r-really sorry-"

"Hey, shhhh, this isn't your fault," I whisper, holding her and rocking her gently, "These things happen… we can try again in the future, Minnie. It's not over yet."

"I'm sorry… I'm really sorry…"

"Don't be sorry," I repeat as I rock her back and forth, finally spotting Louis come into view. I assume that he's the one who drove her to the hospital, but I don't have time to asked questions because right now is only about comforting her. 

And I have a lot of comforting to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~

For whatever reason, Minerva decided that she didn't want to cancel the show tonight. And that just didn't make sense to me. She'd cancel it over something small like a headache, but not something as huge as this? It just doesn't make sense.

She's at sound check now, but me and Louis said we'd be a while. I'm sitting in the lounge and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the back last night I was terrified of being a mom and now all of a sudden, that fear has been ripped from me. But it's not, it's just not making any sense.

"You were with her… at the hospital," I begin, looking up at him but he shakes his head.

"I drove her to the hospital. But I didn't go in with her. I was going to call you and go in and wait with her, but by the time I got a parking space, she was standing outside of it and said she'd already been seen and that she'd lost the baby."

I nod, because I don't know how to respond, because all I can think of in my brain is - what the fuck?

"How was she?"

"She was fine." He said and suddenly I'm further confused. "She looked pretty tired but she told me how it was. She was fine all the way home, quiet but nothing out of the ordinary. Once she saw you, she just broke."

"She was seen? Just as you got into a parking space?"

"Yeah. Listen Vi, it seems sketchy, but this is obviously touchy. I don't think now is the time to ask her what's going on. She probably got scared, maybe she had a miscarriage and she knew but… couldn't face having it confirmed. You know?"

"Yes, I know." I snapped, "It was my baby, too."

"I know it was, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be… you know." He sighs as I shift to sit on my palms. I feel sick. It's like the reality of everything is starting to set in now. "You haven't used in a few days. Don't let this set you back, please."

I shake my head before standing up, "Louis, this isn't just a minor set back, this was my baby, Minerva's baby, you said it yourself, the one who carries the baby isn't the only parent. I must've caused her stress or something…" I run my fingers through my hair before swinging open the door.  
"I need to make this right."

"You haven't got anything to make right!" He argues and stands up behind me, looking at me as he speaks. "These things happen. Violet, we are in a big metal box three hundred days of every year, we're constantly under the pressure of press and fans and management, there was no way she was ever going to have a healthy pregnancy living like this. You guys need to wait until things settle down for this."

"But she was ready for this!"

"But you weren't!"

"I was!"

"No, you weren't! Doing drugs every day from the second you open your eyes, hospitalizing yourself, alcohol addiction, how does that make you ready for a baby?" 

I shake my head, rub my tears away.

"Violet, you're becoming just like your dad."

"Don't you dare!" I say, looking at him pointedly, he swallows nervously as if he knew he shouldn't have said that. "My father was a good man, a good one. He was one of the best. You didn't know him! None of you knew him! He gave everything for me, he would've sold everything he owned just to get me dinner on the table! My mom didn't even notice when I passed out from a fucking setraline overdose when I was sixteen! Don't you dare mention him like that, because he was good! Becoming just like him, that's an honor, but people like you wouldn't believe that, because people like you, all you've ever known is money and having things handed to you, you've never had to work, not like my daddy worked for me. So fuck you," I begin to walk out of the lounge when I feel a hand tap the back of my head, not too roughly, but anything but gentle. I turn around in shock, my face a mixture of surprise and anger and rage before I hit him back.

Louis doesn't budge, he speaks and grabs my arms. "You need to listen to me. You need to get a damn hold of yourself before you kill yourself. This is a fucking tragic thing, Violet, but I'm not going to sit by and watch you kill yourself over Minerva of all people!"

I don't reply and instead opt to forcefully pull my arms from his grasp, falling back slightly once I bounce free. I offer him a glaring expression before walking out of the bus and heading to sound check.

I'm lucky the stage isn't too far away and that I can run up to it, I go around the back and find my drumsticks ready for me and in an attempt to cool off, lean against the wall batting them lightly on my thighs.

Our guitar tech, Luke, passes me and offers me a little nod. He keeps walking as he smiles. It's like I forget that everyone in our crew doesn't live my life, like not all of them know what's going on with us all the time. It's so weird and strange.

My phone pings in my pocket and I had forgotten that I even brought it. I usually don't bring my phone on stage, not when Minerva's bouncing around as much as she is. Though I doubt she'll keep that energy tonight.

I slip my phone out of my pocket and slide it open, a message from Sophie. I smile. I love hearing from Sophie, she's like the sunshine in all our lives.

Her message is simple, it reads: You got this tonight. 

And now I'm wondering if Minerva or Louis told her about the baby. I hope it was Minerva if it was anyone. I'm still wondering how Clementine knew and I don't think Minnie's going to be happy when she finds out that she does.

"Excuse me?" I'm being tapped on the shoulder now as I look up from my phone with a stern glare, I put it back into my pocket. Locking eyes with the brunette standing in front of me.

She points to the camera around her neck and I sigh, standing up straight from the wall and fixing my hat, trying to figure out something interesting to do with my drumsticks.

She simply takes the camera up to her eye, looking through the lense. She's quiet. I'm quiet. I find my right pose and she gives me a thumbs up before snapping the picture, a few times.

And once it over, I cross my arms and wait for her to leave. She stands for a while, skimming through her photos and finally sighs, presumably settling on one. She looks up at me.

"Thanks."

"No problem." I shrug, turning to walk towards the stage but she grabs my shoulder and I swear to God I'm so close to pushing her-

"Violet. I'm sorry for what I said earlier. It was out of line and I didn't mean it." She explains as my back stays turnt to her. I'm at a loss for words because I just don't believe she could be sincere, but something about her tone tells me otherwise.

"Did he tell you, then?" I ask, and turn slightly to face her. She looks down at her feet, nods slowly.

"I'm sorry. Nobody deserves to go through something like that." She says seriously. "Honestly. I was so insensitive and I apologise. I should've told you where Minerva was, and for that I'm sorry. I hate to think that I ruined you being there with her for such a… a sad moment."

I look at her. I know she's being honest… or do I? I simply raise my hand and put it on hers that sits on my shoulder, I offer her a small smile before speaking.

"It's okay, don't, um, don't sweat it…" I say, rubbing my sweaty palms on my shirt before going over what Clementine had just said to me. My eyebrows knit together and I look up at her.  
"You knew she was at the hospital?"

She nods. "She came to me and asked if I could take her, but I can't drive around here, didn't know where I was going. She said she had an ultrasound appointment?"

"I didn't know anything about that?"

"Oh, sorry. I'm not too sure why she'd lie… I did find it weird that you weren't with her."

"I was asleep I think. What time was this at?"

"Around seven this morning."

"Yeah, no, I was asleep. It's just weird because if she… if she had an appointment, I would've been told…" I say as I grow lost in thought before shaking my head, "Anyway, I need to go. Thanks, for, umm… for everything."

"No problem." She says and walks off to the sidelines, leaving me to walk towards the stage. 

Minerva's waiting backstage and tapping her foot impatiently, Louis is there with her and so is Mitch. I take a deep breath before approaching the three, and soon enough we're all on stage as if nothing had changed.

But little did I know, everything was about to change.


	6. everything will work out the ways it's supposed to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You shouldn't hurt people."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is a little late, a lot happened these past few days and I haven't felt the best, definitely haven't felt motivated, but it's here now. Enjoy.

The show had ended as I walk towards the hotel, hand in hand with Minerva. We never usually stay in hotels but Minerva had booked one for us tonight, saying we needed time to process stuff with no interruptions. The hotel wasn't far, barely a seven minute walk from the parking lot, so of course I agreed. I think we need time, too.

She unlocks the door to our room and takes my hand tightly, pulling me in before closing the door over. She locks it and I fall back on to the bed tiredly. Don't know what to say to her.

She sits on the chair in the corner and chews at her finger nails as I sigh, rolling over on the bed. 

Minerva sighs now. "Violet."

"Hm?"

"Why are you doing this to me?"

I sit up in the bed, furrowing my eyebrows and look at her. I try to figure out what she's thinking, but she's so complex I just can't tell by her expression alone. So I speak.  
"What do you mean, Minnie?"

"Hurting me." She says with her bottom lip trembling, not looking at me. "You don't want to be with me anymore. You don't want to marry me, you don't want to love me, you don't love me-"

"Hey! Where did you get that from?" I sit up straighter and scoot closer to her on the bed, but she still won't look at me. "Minerva. Minerva, I do love you, I love you more than anyone. Look, we're going through a lot right now… let's just go to bed, Min."

"How am I supposed to sleep beside you, when you're doing this shit to me?" She finally turns to look at me and I still don't know what I've done wrong. "You're hurting me!" She shouts now and I'm starting to panic, my hands slowly coming up to cover my ears. 

"M-Minnie, please, I don't know what I've done, done wrong," I stutter as she stands up and looks over me, I move back on the bed and she raises her hand at me, I raise my arms to cover my face before her fist comes down on my chest.  
"S-Stop it! Stop! I don't know why you're doing this!"

"You don't know why I'm doing this? Do you not?!" Her hand collapses on to my hands covering my face and she uses all of her strength to pull my arms away from me so I can no longer protect myself. I whimper now but, what am I supposed to do?

"I'm doing this because nobody will ever know that I'm doing this, I'm doing this because nobody will ever believe you that I've done this, I'm doing this because you hurt me! You promised me, promised me that you weren't going to associate with her and then what do you before our show on the night our child died but pose for a picture for her? You know what she's going to do with that? I bet she'll fuck herself to it, and you're just letting her! You're a disgrace!"

"Stop it! That's not what happened at all!" I scream as she crawled on to the bed beside me, straddles me, grabbing my wrists and pinning them down, she spits at me and I feel tears run down my face.

"How fucking dare you! How dare you do that to me! I am your girlfriend, I'm the only one who's ever believed in you, don't you dare treat me this way!" She screams at me, balling her fist and she lets it come down heavy on my head and now I'm crying as I struggle. I roll to the best of my abilities and hate myself as I push her off, grabbing her shoulder, I bash my forehead against hers before I finally make it out of the bed and start to run towards the door.

"Violet!"

"Stop!"

"Don't you fucking leave me!" She screams running towards me, I find myself crying hysterically and shaking in panic as I grab the door handle, banging on the door and pulling at it, I scream loudly, hoping that somebody, anybody, can hear me. Minerva wraps her strong arms around my waist and hoists me up, she pulls me back to the bed and drops me there as I sob.

Minerva stands up off of me, looks down at me. She then leans down and I feel her teeth clamp down on my earlobe, drawing blood and I started to whimper in pain when she pulls off. She stands up above me like a highschool bully and spits my blood on to my face before walking away.

"You shouldn't hurt people." She says as she walks away.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I shift beneath the bed sheets, feeling Minerva's arms tight against my stomach as she rubs circles on my pelvic bones with her thumb. I'm not trembling, not on the surface, because I'm too close to her and she'd know if I was. And I don't want her to think I'm weak.

She groans slightly in her sleep and it confuses me because it sounds intentional. Still, I move slightly to look at her and reach up to rub her cheek. 

"Are you okay?" I ask, and she opens her eyes to look at me before shaking her head.

"My stomach hurts." She tells me and I reach my hand down to plant on her stomach for warmth, acting as if it were a hot water bottle.

"Why's it hurt?"

"It's supposed to hurt when you have a miscarriage. You should know that."

"Shit, I, I know. Do you need me to get you something? I can run down and get you tea? They'll open up for me. Celeb status," I chuckle as I ask her. If Minerva's in pain, I obviously want to help, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trying to get away from her. I just need some time to think. To ponder. To work things out in my brain, so I can work things out in my life.

She shakes her head no. There goes my plans.

She wraps her arms snug against my chest and pulls me closer, planting kisses along the back of my neck. I just don't understand her behavior. She'll beat me, fuck me, then she's sad, she's in pain, she wants to kill me, she can't help but finger fuck me, where's the logic?

I move slightly away from her and this stops her. She moves closer, reaches a hand up to rub my chest through my clothes. "Why are you moving away, Vi?"

"I, I'm tired. I don't really-"

"Don't you think I'm tired, too? Tired of your bullshit? Huh? I'm giving my all to stay awake right now so I can fuck you because that's what you want, but you won't even accept it?" She says in a harsh whisper and I can't respond. She looks at me with a glare and I search for words.

"I-"

"Get up." She says, standing up from the bed, she flicks on the lamp beside it and grabs both of my arms, dragging me from the bed.  
"I said get up!"

"I'm getting up! I am!" I say, complying with her and standing up, she drags me to the bathroom and doesn't bother turning on the light before she pushes me down to my knees and grabs my head, pushes it over the toilet where she then sticks her fingers down my throat, forcing my stomach to turn before I eventually throw up.

And she doesn't stop. She continues until I throw up again and again and again.

"S-Sto-"

"Don't speak, it makes it harder," She says in a soft tone of voice. She's no longer shouting at me, her fingers still in my mouth, she brushes through my hair and kisses me on the scalp before my stomach turns again and I throw up. It's quiet besides the sound of me, but I can't focus on that. She takes her fingers out of my mouth and washes them in the sink, I collapse beside the toilet teary eyed and sick before she leans down beside me with a toothbrush and starts to brush my teeth for me.

"You know how much I hate hurting you, Vi." She begins as she scrubs my teeth, "But when you do things to me like that, it gives me no other choice. I wish you'd just learn your lesson. You know I'm not feeling well after losing the baby and it's just not fair for you to deny me things anymore. I'm really trying, Vi." She says with a sigh before standing up with the toothbrush and running it under to tap. She grabs my arm gently and helps me up, I spit out the paste that had collected in my mouth before she scrubs away whatever is left with the wet toothbrush.

"Do you want to have a shower?" She asks me, brushing through my hair, and I nod despite not wanting it. I sniffle slightly and she frowns, kissing my temple and twirling my locks. "Don't cry, Violet. Come on, let's get these clothes off. I have something for you." She says as she lifts off my shirt, but not my pants, which confuses me. She runs her fingers over the scars on my arm and grins sweetly before she cups my face.  
"Will you go lay on the bed for a moment? I want to turn of the shower and get it the right temperature for you."

I nod, still too scared to speak. She kisses my forehead before I walk away shaking and sit on the bed, shifting to lay back. I sink on to the soft sheets and if Minerva weren't here, I'd be asleep by now, but she is here, and now I'll never sleep again.

This is why I like the bus. Because she wouldn't do this to me on the bus. Because of the cameras. Because she'd get caught. Because she just wouldn't do it, and I'd be safe. 

She wasn't always like this. It only started when I called off the engagement, she hadn't lay a finger on me in all the years we'd been together before then. I guess she got fed up.

Minerva saunters in and I'm still laying down, waiting for her to tell me to stand up, before I feel her knee dig into my stomach and I look confused down at her. She meets my eyes before I see what she has in her hand and I shake my head.

"Please no, no, I want to be clean, please,"

"Shhh," She hushes me as she grabs my arm, pinning it to the bed before settling the needle right where my previous scar is. "It's just heroin. You get worked up without it. You're an addict Vi, you need a little to keep you going," She says as she pokes it into me slowly, "You're gonna have a nice shower after this. Then we're going to sleep because it's late and I know you're tired," she says, kissing my forehead. "I love you, Vi. Thank you for being so good."

"I, I love you, too."

~~~~~~~~

"Wow," Louis chuckles as we walk towards the bus, him, Mitch, and Luke all gathered outside of it. "You look rough. Have a good night?" He raised his eyebrows at me, nudges my arm and I nod frequently.

"Mhm…" I say with a fake half smile before Minerva turns to me, pressing a kiss to my lips. She lets go of my hand and I'm almost relieved as she steps into the bus, nothing else to say. And now it's quiet and awkward and I hate it.

Louis waits for Mitch and Luke to leave before speaking to me again.  
"Did you guys talk things out? About the baby?"

I nod. "Yeah." I bite my lip before tears prick my eyes again, I'm about to start sobbibg and he knows this as he reaches to put his arm around me before the door of the bus swings open again.

"Sophie!" Minerva said, prompting Louis to look at her and stand up straight, like a dog with the hairs on the back of it's head standing up.  
"She's on the phone, she's says she urgently needs to talk to us! Come on!"

My sudden mental breakdown is halted and Louis let's go of my arm and scrambles behind Minnie to get into the bus, I follow.

"Hello? Hello? Soph??" Minerva says desperately with the phone to her ear before turning to look at Louis and mumbling. "She's gone."

His face falls, but only for a moment as the bus door swings open and Minerva gasps before running forwards with open arms.  
"You're here!" She cries.

Me and Louis turn around and I see his face light up with shock and excitement at the sight of his girlfriend right in front of us. He waits until Minerva moves away from Sophie to run forward and hug her tightly, lifting her up in the process.

"Be careful!" My girlfriend scolds him, shaking her head before returning next to me and hugging my waist. "She's fragile, Louis." She shakes her head disapprovingly before burying her nose into my shoulder and I run my fingers through her hair.

"I can't believe you're here," He says empty as he pulls his arms from her waist and rests his head on her shoulder, and she chuckles. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I'm crying! You're embarrassing me!"

"I'm sorry, Lou," She smiles and kisses his forehead and I grin as I watch the sweet moment, wishing I had something as tender and natural as they have. When Sophie's not around, Louis seems so emotionless, like he's a robot. But when Minerva's not around, I thrive. I know something's not right with us.

Louis cries into Sophie's shoulder now and he obviously just doesn't care that we're here, and I love that, I continue to smile before Minerva scoffs quietly.

"Pussy." She whispers before speaking up a little louder, "Well Soph, since you're here I guess that means you'll be coming back to work, right?"

Sophie giggles, stroking his hair before shaking her head. "Just visiting." She tells her sister.

"Oh, balls." Minerva groans before turning and walking off towards the lounge, the door closes with a bang behind her.

Louis finally calms down and pulls way from her to wipe his eyes and that's when she finally hugs me, it's short and sweet but she cups my face when she pulls away. I smile before I realize that she's looking at my eyes to try and see if I've been using. My smile fades because suddenly I remember that nobody in this world has ever trusted me to be anything more than an addict.

Maybe that's why our baby died.

Sophie smiles and puts her hands down before speaking to us. "Well. I said I'd say hi, so, hi!" She chuckles awkwardly before Louis hugs her again even tighter than before.

"You know I love hugs," She begins, "But I'm seriously going to need you to put me down, doctors said it's not safe anymore." 

Louis sighs before lowering her back to her feet and Sophie coughs into her hand as she thanks him, that's when he realizes that she's missing something.  
"Where's your oxygen tank? Doctors would kill you if they knew you were going without it!" He says and she grins, leans up to kiss his nose.

"I don't need it all the time anymore. I use it at night and in the morning and when I go places with tons of people, but I don't need it all the time. It's great, isn't it?"

"Who drove you here?" He then asks and me and Sophie both realize that all the questions are starting to come out of worry.

I chuckle. "Oh no, protective boyfriend mode has begun."

He grumps, "Sophie, if you drove yourself half way across the country-"

"I didn't!" She stops him laughing, "I flew. I had Alba with me."

Excitement pools in my stomach because there's pretty much nothing I love more than Louis and Sophie's dogs. They've got four, all rescued, and Alba is the oldest. She's Sophie's service dog for her diabetes and she's an absolute sweetheart.

"You brought Alaba?!" Both me and Louis say in unison, my jaw dropped and him overly excited. "Where is she?"

"At the hotel. Turns out the workers know who I am because of you guys, so they let me in, and Alba's safe there. There's like a dog area where she is, I feel bad leaving her though." She says sadly and he hugs her lightly again, lips pressed to her temple.

Fuck. Why can't I have something like that?

"Alba's trained to know when you need space." He told her and Sophie nodded smiling.

"You look tired, Vi." She tells me.

Yeah. I know I do.

I smile half heartedly, "Yeah, I know, I'm just a bit preoccupied with shit. Writing new songs. Management want us to have two albums out within the next four years and it's just a bit of a fuckin' disaster when only one of us writes songs." I aim my jab at Louis who holds his hand up in defense, the other arm wrapped around Sophie's waist as they sway lovingly together.

"I wrote "Can't stop, won't stop" off of Vital Hound!" He says.

I roll my eyes and glare at him, cross my arms as I turn to the counters and start to autonomously make Minnie some food.  
"That was an album reject. We didn't even take that one to management because of how bad it was. We're a rock band, we don't use harps!"

"You said you wanted to experiment with our sound!"

"Yes." I reply. "Experiment as in maybe add in a little more piano. Maybe build up on some ostinato's since we don't usually do that. Maybe start writing music on a staff instead of me writing "C, F sharp," on the books." I reply, cutting up the sandwich I'd hardly noticed I had been making before I stop. 

"Minnie?" I yell and wait for a response, halting the conversation between Louis and I.

"What?!?"

"I made you a sandwich?"

"I don't want it, not hungry." She replies and I sigh.

I turn to look at Sophie and Louis who look back sympathetically. "Don't suppose any of you want a peanut butter sandwich?" I ask.

Sophie shakes her head. "Can't have whole-grain bread, sorry." She apologizes and Louis just shakes his head, so I sigh and leave the sandwich where it is before rubbing my eyes tiredly.

"Violet," Sophie begins, "How's she been? Minnie? Since the baby?"

"Angry."

"About?"

I think back to the hotel room. I think back and wonder if my blood is on the sheets, I wonder if they'll find the clumps of hair she pulled out of me. I wonder if they'll see us leaving on the camera and know that I'm scared.

Minerva isn't angry we lost the baby. 

Minerva's angry at me.

"Look, it's not something I wanna talk about it. I know she's your sister but if you wanna talk about it then ask her. I'm done discussing it." I explain and she nods with a sad smile.

"How've you been?"

"I'm fine." I reply, becoming irritated before the door opens and Clementine walks in holding her camera. She grins when she sees Sophie and goes to wave at her, but the redhead swoops in for a hug.

"I didn't know you were back…" She says awkwardly before Sophie pulls away from the hug and Clementine is left scratching the back of her head nervously.

"I'm just visiting." Sophie smiles at her and Clementine nods in understanding before I come up with an idea.

"Hey, Clem, do you want a sandwich? I made one and nobody wants it." I ask her, cringing at the nickname on the inside.

She narrows her eyes at me. "What type of sandwich?"

I move out of the way like as if I'm showing her a prize and laugh, "The magnificent, splendidly exquisite, peanut butter on bread sandwich. It's gourmet you should try it."

"Sounds good," She says, picking up the sandwich and biting into it. "God, I was starving. There's no good food places around here and I genuinely don't know how to cook shit. I'm supposed to be eating healthy."

"Vi's a good cook, she could make you stuff," Louis suggests and I want to absolutely kill him in that moment because, what the fuck am I gonna do if Minerva hears him suggest that?

"Oh, really?" Clementine asks unbelievably.

I blush and nod, scratching the back of my head. "Kinda, I guess. I always cooked when we first started touring cause we couldn't afford to buy food. I'm mediocre."

"You'll have to show me sometime," She winks at me and I'm blushing more.

Sophie and Louis both grin before Sophie turns to him and speaks, "Thought we might stay in the hotel room tonight? Me and you? I'm not supposed to sleep on the bunk beds anymore. Not good for me."

"Of course, only the best for you." He says, palming her back nervously before he speaks again. "Do you want to go for a walk, Soph? Me and you have some time alone, eh?"

"No funny business! That's the last thing I need," She chuckles and I've had enough of their banter and by the disgusted look on Clementine's face, so has she.

"Yeah, uh, byyye!" She waves them off and out of the bus. They leave the bus together hand in hand and me and Clementine are somewhat alone. Though it's easy to forget that Minerva is here. 

I sit down sighing tiredly, rubbing my eyes and Clementine finishes off her sandwich looking at me. "Are you okay?" She asks.

I shrug and take my hands off my eyes. "I don't know. Everything hurts."

"Have you eaten today?"

I think back to the hotel room where I threw up.  
"I don't have that much of an appetite."

Clementine turns around and picks up the other sandwich, she takes a few steps towards the table and puts it in front of me.  
"Eat. You need energy. Look like you haven't slept since you started touring."

I laugh quietly and pick it up, staring at it. "Sometimes I feel like I haven't slept since my dad died."

"Yeah, I know what you mean… I feel the same about my mom."

"You were close?"

She shrugs, "Hardly. I didn't even know her most my life. I was in foster care. But it still hit me when she died, you know? Just had this thought like, oh, yeah… that's my mom. It hurts still."

I nod, taking a bite of the sandwich and waiting till I swallowed to speak. "If you don't mind me asking… how did she, um, die? You obviously don't have to answer…"

Clementine shifts slightly and takes a deep breath. "She had really bad depression. It started when she was pregnant with me because my dad died. Then when she had me, realized she couldn't cope… everyone thought that if she gave me up, she'd be okay, maybe even come looking for me again in a few years. But I guess that depression never really left cause flash forward to last year when she killed herself. It eats you up. I always felt like I was her downfall."

"My dad killed himself, too." I say blankly and I hardly think about the statement. It's true, isn't it?

"I thought your dad accidentally-"

"Yeah, maybe he did, but I don't think so. It's taken me a long time to admit it. He wanted me to have a good life and he left me everything he had when he died. He thought the material shit would give me a "good life". I just wish he knew a good life is one with him in it. You know?"

"I know," Clementine nods with her arms crossed and stares blankly at the floor and I can sense she wants to say something before she even opens her mouth. "How long have you been with Minerva, now? I remember when you first started dating in school."

I sigh but I don't want Minerva to hear me. "We've been together since we were fourteen. It's really, really hard…" I mutter the last part but I'm sure Clementine could hear it.

"Yeah. Relationships are hard."

"What about you? You got someone?"

She shakes her head at me with a smile. "No. Funny enough, nobody wants to date a girl who was sent to a school for fucked up kids because of major anger issues, who would've thought?"

My heart pounds in my chest as I take another bite of my sandwich. "I mean, I would… if I can date Minerva, I can handle anger issues. Shit, I probably have them myself," I laugh at myself.

"You snort when you laugh." Clementine points out and god, I wanna die now. 

I feel red creep up on my cheeks but I look down at the table, "I'm sorry, Minnie doesn't like it. It doesn't usually happen."

"What?! No, no, don't be sorry! It's, uh, it's nice. I like it." She says with a wide smile and I smile back at her.

"Thanks."

"No problem," She says before backing away slightly to the door, "I gotta go. Thanks for the sandwich. And the chat. You know, you're not half bad."

"Yeah, neither are you. Thanks, Clem."

~~~~~~~~

I run towards my kit on the stage and grab my drumsticks, having finally found them. I sigh with happiness before looking out in the arena, thinking of what it'll be like when thirteen thousand teenagers are here tonight screaming back the lyrics I wrote.

It's crazy. I always feel like I could kill myself, but I also feel like I'm a role model and I have things to do, to show them.

I found my father, my best friend, after he killed himself, and I'm still here years later. My grandma shot herself while I was in the room with her. I need to prove to them that if I can still be successful in what I've always wanted to do, then they can, too. I need to prove that trauma isn't a barrier.

So if I kill myself, who'll mentor these kids? Who's lyrics will they scream, who's band will they see? I guess I was a parent already.

I turn away from the stage and begin walking off the stage when Louis approaches me, and I find this encounter strange for some reason, but don't think anything of it when he walks closer to me and puts a hand on my back to guide me away from where we were.

"Uhhh, what's going on?" I ask him once he gets me to the other end of the stage. I see him fumbling with a velvet, dark blue box in his hand and decide to crack a joke because he's obviously nervous.  
"Aww, you know I'd love to say yes, but unfortunately I happen to be a lesbian-"

"Cut it out, Vi, it's for Sophie," He says, opening it up to reveal the large, but nice, ring inside of the box. My jaw drops as I look at him.

"No way. You've been together for like four years, you better not be joking with me or I'll cry."

"I'm not joking, I'll do it tonight. After the show, when we're in our hotel, we're gonna stand on the balcony and look out at the stars and that's when I'll do it."

But I don't reply for a moment, and he begins to worry that his plan is shitty.   
"The ring's big, Sophie's got sensitive hands and shit. Have you thought about that?"

"Violet, I want her to be my wife, of course I've taken everything into account. This ring is gold, gold rings have been proven to help prevent arthritis. I've ordered her a gluten free cake for tonight, red velvet, her favorite. It just, she, she has to say yes, now…"

I smile and put a hand on his shoulder.  
"I'm sure everything will work out the way it should."


	7. I wasn't addicted to drugs. I was addicted to her.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And that's when I realized. I wasn't addicted to drugs. I was just addicted to her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone.
> 
> So. I genuinely forgot I was supposed to post this today and didn't have anything started until this morning. I wrote this entire chapter in less than three hours, non stop writing, so there's going to be mistakes, but I didn't want to leave you hanging. I hope you enjoy and I'm sorry for being late last week, my mental health is bad rn lol. Thanks for tha support & stream cape god by Allie x and miss anthropocene by Grimes xoxo

After non stop touring for the past two months, we've finally caught a break.

For a week, that is.

I'm sitting here in a coffee store, everyone else is out at the bar celebrating the last show of the month but I don't feel like socializing right now. I don't know what else to do. It's like I'm stuck in my mind and it's torturing me.

I open my laptop and decide to start working on some songs, I have a few lyrics written, I go to stick in my headphones when I hear a voice up at the counter ordering and I know who it belongs to.

And she sees me.

I try to avert my gaze because like I said, I don't wanna socialize, but she begins walking towards me anyway. 

"You're not at the bar?" Clementine asks as she sits down beside me, swirling her coffee with a spoon. "I thought you'd be with your girl."

"I'm, not." I say nervously before my cheeks heat up.

Yeah. Obviously I'm not. I'm stupid as fuck.

Clementine chuckles and takes her drink to her lips, and I can tell she isn't leaving any time soon. "Your show was great tonight, I got some good prints."

"That's good. And thanks." I reply with a small smile. I feel more comfortable now, especially as Clementine sighs and looks me over with a smile. It's hard to believe I thought she hated me. She speaks and I'm not thinking about what I thought anymore.

"So. A week off. What are you doing, you going home? I'm guessing you and Minerva got some place nice to go," She says, taking a sip, and I get really fuckin' anxious because I completely forgot that I had to go home to my mom this week. I swallow and hope she doesn't notice my nervousness.

"I um, we live with my mom… hardly any place nice," I chuckle awkwardly, "Me and Minerva and five other people in the house. I can name other places I wanna be, just off the top of my head." I state and she nods a small nod, just to let me know she's listening before she speaks again.

"I thought you were an only child?" Clementine asks me and it prompts me to sigh and answer.

"When I left for tour, our first tour, my mom got married. And along with that marriage came three siblings… and she loves them, I guess. She's good with them. Me and her, we… we just don't mesh." I say and look down regretfully. Despite not even liking my mom, it still hurts to think that she had to find a whole new family to take care of because I'm just that much of a disappointment. You'd think with me basically paying the bills, I'd be treated better, but no. I'll still be the unwanted baby who was born to a sixteen year old "street-whore". 

Clementine sighs as if she regrets asking the question and leans her elbow on the table, resting her chin on it. "That's rough, I'm sorry. I know… in a way, how it feels, to watch your parents kinda get it right the second time around. I try not to judge my dad but it's hard. Can't imagine what it's like for you, though. How old are your step siblings? Do they like you?"

I sigh. Doesn't it suck I have to think about this shit? 

"Little girl, she's, um… nine, I think… yeah. Then there's a thirteen year old boy and an eleven year old girl. Genuinely, I love them. I can't blame them for what my mom does and doesn't do. They love my music. I used to read stories to the youngest girl when she was even younger. I do love them. I try keep my feelings towards my mom out of my relationship with them, as best I can." I tell her and Clementine nods with a smile and I can tell it's genuine. "What about you? You have siblings? I'm pretty sure you didn't in school."

"My dad adopted a little boy a few years ago. Think it was around the time you left Ericsons, AJ, he's great. I miss him." She says. I can see the sadness in her eyes when she says that but she keeps her voice in a happy tone as if she doesn't wanna get into it, so I don't try push her. 

"I'm sorry." I then blurt out. "On that day when Minnie had the miscarriage, I shouldn't have snapped at you. For what you said. You were right, Clem." I say to her and her expression softens, I don't expect her to reach her hand out to put it over my own. Her skin's really soft and it makes me regret wearing my fingerless gloves because I feel like I'm missing out on the touch.

"Violet," She says, "Do you want to go some place more private? Where we can talk?" She smiles at me.

I bite my lip as I just can't say no to her and nod. "Yeah. I'd… I'd like that." I nod with teary eyes and a smile. Clementine takes my hand, I close over my laptop and shove it inside it's bag and she wastes no time in basically running me out of the store behind her.

Something about this girl, she just drives me insane.

Clementine runs me across to the buses and literally right across the road I can basically hear the music from the bar playing. I imagine how everyone feels, celebrating the "end" of tour. But I bet they don't feel like I do now, because my heart is racing as fast as it's ever raced before.

Clementine unlocks the door to our bus and beckons me in behind her. I sigh at the warmth, now that I'm inside I can't see my breath anymore which is always a good sign. I close the door behind me and pull the laptop bag from my shoulder, sitting it on the table.

I'm standing now, looking at Clementine who's sat down looking at me with a smile.  
"You seem tense."

"I am tense." I reply chuckling and almost fall down beside her, laying lazily against the back of the fabric and turn my face to look at her. "Why do you talk to me?"

"Why not? You're cool." She replies. "I was mean to you when I first got here and honestly, you're not bad, Violet. I guess I had the sixteen year old version of you in my mind." 

I furrow my brows and sit up straight to look at her. She looks back at me like she's keeping back a laugh, and I reach out and hit her shoulder playfully. Clementine laughs.

"I'm not that bad."

"No, you're not." She says. And God, I don't expect her to put her hand on my thigh. I don't think she expects it either because she seems taken aback but doesn't snatch it away. 

Oh my fuck, oh my god, oh no, no, no.

"Clem," I whisper to her, I look at her in her eyes. She looks back. Guilty, but not shameful. It's like she knows I want this. But I don't want this.

I can't want this, I can't want anything.

I swallow, my eyes flit down to her lips before I look back into her eyes. Tears prick my eyes and I turn my head away from her, she puts her fingers on my chin and turns me back to look at her but she's gentle, unlike Minerva. 

"You're nervous, Violet. You've been nervous ever since you came back from the hotel room that night and it… it makes me wonder what happened," She says quietly as my tears fall down my cheeks. I can't breath now.

"I,"

"You don't have to tell me." She says. "But I want you to know, that I know, what's happened. And I want you to know what real love feels like, just this once," She says as she reaches to the back of my neck and pulls me closer before I can even react and I feel her lips against mine.

They're soft. They're like small pillows, I guess. I don't know anything other than the fact they taste like cherries. And I think about that. I think about that before I pull away fast out of guilt and fear.

I start to cry but it's like as soon as I pull away I go right back, she takes me back, wraps her arms around me and runs her hands up my back, across my bra strap. I'm sobbing now and she knows this as she unclips it and then her hands are back to my face, cupping my cheeks, she rubs away my tears and the kiss softens when she pulls away. She leans her forehead against my own and continuously rubs circles on my cheeks whispering to me.

"You don't need anymore now, Vi, you don't need a little more, you're safe now." Her voice is calming to me and I pull away completely. I'm still crying. I look at her with red eyes and although I'm crying, I know I'm happy. I know what she's done has set me free.

"This is cheating." I tell her through my tears.

Clementine looks down and then looks back at me with eyes almost as teary as mine. "Violet, you're too good for her. You need to get away from her before she kills you, and this is the only way. I don't want to hurt you-"

"Is, is it real?" I ask in an empty voice. She looks up at me and furrows her eyebrows at me, nods profusely. I don't expect that.  
"Please tell me you're not just kissing me to get me away from her."

"Violet, I-"

The door to the bus opens and we both look, it's like my heart stops but when I don't see Minerva I feel safer. But when I see the person standing there, I feel sick.

"Louis," I say exasperated. He doesn't even react to us. He just looks angry at me, and I'm about to apologise before he opens his mouth and I notice looks away, he looks at the ground before back at me. 

"She said no." He says before turning to walk down to the lounge. I'm shocked. Clementine's shocked. Neither of us know what to do. I know I like her now, I know it. And I think she might like me too but I can't go any further with her when I'm with Minerva.

I just need time to think.

I turn to her and open my mouth to speak but she stops me. "Go find Minerva and talk to her. I'll talk to Louis. A lot's happened, I think we both need time to think and process and stuff."

I nod. I'm happy she understands. I'm about to stand up but she kisses my cheek before following Louis's footsteps.

And my cheeks are red as I leave the bus.

I honestly think I've already made my decision.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was like she was ignoring me. And I was beginning to worry that somehow, Minerva already knew what I'd done. How could I be so selfish, so stupid? Who the fuck cheats on a girl who just had a miscarriage? Not even my mom is that low. Maybe I'm just a worse version of her. Maybe that's why we hate each other so much.

I stand outside the bar now, too nervous to go in. I take a deep breath and a few steps towards it before I'm interrupted by Sophie, stumbling towards me in the dark. Is she drunk?

"Vi, Violet," She's holding her side and I rush towards her, wrapping an arm around her waist to hold her up. She looks like she's about to throw up.

"You're okay, I got you," I tell her as we walk towards the seats outside of the bar and I got to sit her down but she objects.

"I need, I need to go to the, the hospital," She whispers to me in a broken voice. I nod to her but she falls into my arms. She's heavy, it's like her feet are cemented to the ground and she can't move any further.

"What happened?" I ask her and she's crying now in my arms. Suddenly I forget what I did to Minerva and all I'm prioritizing is the girl in my arms.

"I," She stutters, "My legs gave out, I'm bleeding, I was coughing up blood and I just I don't feel good,"

"Were you drinking?"

She starts to cry and nods, "I shouldn't have, I know, it was only a glass, I just, I shouldn't have, and Louis got mad and now he's mad at me because I, I, I don't feel well, I want to go home with the dogs I just want to go home please take me back home,"

"Shhh," I whisper, stroking her hair as she sits in my arms, sweating, her breath heavy. I take one of her hands, trying to feel for her pulse, it's getting fainter. "Sophie. Can you hear me?"

"... Home, I need,"

"You're going home, I promise you." I say to her, fumbling with my back pocket to try and get my phone out. I manage to get it and notice I have two unread messages from Minerva and a missed call from Clementine. 

I open the ones from Minerva, reads simply.

"If you're on the bus make sure it's locked." And. "Gone into town to get some beer, be back around twelve."

Well, she's sure helpful, I think.

I dial nine one one and decide I'll have to call Clem once the ambulance is on it's way. Louis needs to know, but Sophie needs help more urgently right now.

"I need an ambulance," I say and the person on the other end asks me a few questions, to which I answer, before they assure me they're on their way.

But Sophie's getting worse now.

I press the return call button to Clementine and put my phone on speaker because I can't get it to my ear as Sophie begins to shake in my arms, somewhat unconscious now. I panic.

I don't even wait for Clementine to say anything. 

"Sophie's here with me, we're at the bar, ambulance is on it's way but I think she's having some, some sort of seizure or something, you need to get down here with Louis, now!" I say urgently and I can hear Clementine tell Louis in the background before the redhead in my arms starts to shake more violently.

"You're gonna be okay, please stay awake,"

~~~~~~~~~~~

This isn't how I expected our night to go. I didn't expect to be sat here with Sophie, holding her hand as nurses come in and out of the room sticking and poking her with needles and tubes. Not again. 

Louis and Clem didn't make it to the bar in time, turns out the ambulance was way faster than I thought. And thank god for it too. Because as soon as we got in, they informed me she was having an alcohol withdrawal seizure and that the chances are, her liver's been failing her for a while now. 

I wish I had know.

They're running more tests, they said. I just hope they get an answer soon.

The door to Sophie's room slams open and Louis and Minerva both run in, one on either side of them. I stand up as soon as I see them, and feel sick when I see Clementine behind them both. She offers me a sorrowful look and I look back at her with a guilty and tired half smile.

"What the hell happened to her?!" My fiancee yells at me angrily. I swallow nervously as I reply.

"She, she came to me outside of, of the bar, collapsed in my arms… they said it was an alcohol induced seizure… her liver's fail-"

"You let her drink?!" She looks at me angrily and I put my hands up.

"I, I wasn't-"

"You let her fucking drink alcohol, you stupid bitch! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Minerva begins to walk towards me and I feel myself on the verge of a panic attack, becoming smaller as she looks over me. "You stupid fucking-"

"Violet didn't let Sophie do anything, in fact, Violet wasn't even with Sophie." Clementine cut in with a bored look on her face. Minerva turns to look at her with narrowed eyes and Clementine offers the same stare back. "Violet was with me. She couldn't have given your sister, who's what, twenty three years old and old enough to know what's wrong and what's right, permission to drink? No, Violet was with me. If you need to blame anyone, blame yourself."

"With you?" She sneers. "I bet she was, she's a little slut, aren't you, Vi?" She hits me on the back of my head, not too hard.

"Stop, please,"

"Fucking bitch. I bet that's what you guys were plotting the night our child died! Making out against the wall while I was bleeding, that it, Vi, huh??"

"Will you fucking give it a rest?!" Louis snaps at Minerva. I'd hardly noticed he was here. He's standing beside Sophie and holding her hand. I wish Minerva hadn't showed up because he deserves this time to be alone with her.  
"If you're gonna fight, do it outside."

"Oh I will," Minerva says, grabbing my arm and dragging me outside of the room against my will. Clementine follows as a precaution, about to pull my girlfriend off of me when Minerva slaps her away.

"You're disgusting, Violet. Disgusting. You disgust me. That's all you've ever done. You're fucking gross. You should've been a street whore like your mom, Lord knows you'd be better at it than being an actual, committed girlfriend!" She points at me.

"Oh please!" Clementine then adds and I feel like I'm less of the debate now and more than topic. "Violet hung out with me, and she's not committed, but what about you? You've made out with your fans backstage in front of her! You bring random girls on to the bus and tell Vi they're "fans" that bought the "VIP" package and then you fuck them! Why don't you grow up?!" 

Minerva turns around and begins to shout back at Clementine, the two of them now in heated argument. I guess I'm just surprised nobody's stopped them by now.

I kinda of zone out of it all now. Maybe because my head hurts from Minerva slapping it. I only zone back in when I see the redhead raise her fist at the younger girl, that's when I grab her arm and pull it back.

Minerva winces when I pull her arm.

Why does she wince?

Her and Clementine are no longer arguing and I look down at her arm, raising the sleeve the slightest bit. She stops breathing, but only for a minute. And that's when I see it.

"What the fuck… is this?" I ask, almost speechless. I look at it closer and repeat the same words. "What the fuck?!"

"Vi-"

"No, no, what is this? What the fuck is this?!" I drop her arm in disbelief. Clementine looks at me confused and worried as I cover my mouth and feel tears in my eyes. But I can reply to her.   
"Those are marks, needle marks. Scars, even. You told me you weren't using, for the baby!"

"They're old!"

"No!" I cry back at her. "They're not old, Minerva! Those are less than a month old and we lost the baby two weeks ago, two! You were doing drugs while you were pregnant!"

"I wasn't!"

"Don't fucking lie to me!" My voice is scratchy now as I scream at her. I feel myself crying but I don't want to give into it. I don't want to satisfy her anymore.

She shakes her head tearfully and looks at the needle marks on her arm before she looks at me again. "I wasn't using while I was pregnant."

"You wer-"

"No." She says, and for once I believe her. "I wasn't using when I was pregnant, because, I… I didn't, I… I was never pregnant, Vi."

I feel sick. I feel sick. My stomach's tightening and I want to throw up. I feel like I'm going to throw up. 

I know I'm pale now and my visions blurry because I can only really make out the look of shock on Clem's face behind Minerva. 

She continues. "I just," she bites her lip and through an empty voice says the words that end it all for me, "I just wanted to make sure you wouldn't leave me."

I swallow. My eyes are glossy. My skin's probably white and I swear that's when I realize.

I was never addicted to drugs. I was just addicted to her.

"You," I say shakily, "faked being pregnant. You faked, a… you… you faked losing my baby, mine! That's… evil! That's borderline villain, what the fuck is wrong with you?! Who does that, who, who fakes having somebody's baby and who fakes that dying, do you know what you've done to me?! I laid awake at night and cried for you, I let you cry to me, we mourned together and for what?!! So you could get some sick reassurance that I wasn't gonna leave you? Despite the fact I'd never shown any signs of wanting to leave you?!! You're a fucking psycho!!"

She starts to sob and I can't even feel bad for her anymore. I just look at her with that sick feeling in my stomach.

"Well, I hope you're reassured." I whisper brokenly to her. "Imagine what that did to Sophie. You know. Your sister. Who's laying in a hospital bed, in that room, right there! Who always wanted to have a baby and who probably won't ever get the chance! She was happy for us! That's such an evil thing to do to someone Minerva, I don't even know how to, to… I can't even look at you!"

"I was doing this for us!"

I finally do it. I finally raise my hand at her and slap her. For all the things she's done to me and for every time she's made me feel less than dirt, that's the least she deserves.

I look at her as she cries and holds her cheek. 

I wish I had been wearing my ring. Just to cut her up. Leave a mark to remind her of what she's done.

"I don't wanna see you again. I'm leaving the band. You're nothing without me and I don't even care anymore. Goodbye."


	8. It's too easy to hate you, when was it not?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And touches me. Not the way Minerva's words would touch me. I always felt like an unwanted burden to her unless I was high off my head or laying back naked. But we're not dating, we're not romantic in any way possible, I mean we're basically strangers, so why do I feel more loved by her in the past few minutes than I did with my fiancee for years?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, glad you all liked that last chapter. This ones out a bit early so enjoy!

My hands are shaky and I still feel sick as I stuff all of my things into my suitcase, my own one. Usually Minerva and I have one case of our own each and share another, but right now I need to get everything into my own one.

Because that's who I am now. My own person.

I pull the case from the bed, flipping it over and sit on my knees as I push everything in violently. I hear the door open behind me and I know it's not Minerva because she'd be yelling at me by now. Slow footsteps move towards me from behind and I feel a hand on my shoulder.

I take a deep breath. "Clem, please don't touch me right now because I can't guarantee I won't hurt you out of built up anger." I say through my gritted teeth, trying my hardest to be somewhat nice. Clementine slowly removes her hand and I hear shuffling as she sits down on the seats in the main area, watching me as I continue to pack.

"Where will you go, Violet?" She says in a soft toned voice, like as if she's trying to convince me to stay. I briefly stop what I'm doing before I reply.

"My dad left me his trailer. Parked up my uncle's driveway and he keeps it clean and shit." I state.

"You're going to live in a trailer?"

"Yeah?" I say bitterly. "And what's the problem with that, princess? You know sometimes the only thing people can leave us behind after they die is the clothes off their back and I intend to take what my dad left me and make use of it.".

"You're right. I'm sorry." She says and we sit in silence for a while because I give up on packing. Sit down. And eventually my back is to the wall opposite her and my knees are curled to my chest as I speak slowly.

"I just. I loved her. You know? She wasn't great, hardly. But I loved her. It was real at times. I loved who she was." I say clearly as if it's the last thing I have to hold onto. This feeling of love. A love that was never real. "I didn't want a baby now. I know that much. But the fact she even wanted a baby at all, that meant something to me, because it made me think she really wanted a family with me. And I was like wow, this is my forever now. But it wasn't, and that's just what hurts the most."

She nods slowly, I don't look at her directly, but I know she wants to say something. Ask me something. There's a part of me that wants her to just be quiet and listen to me, and a part of me that needs to talk right now, so I let what's happening happen.

"Can I ask you something?" She asks and I nod. My chest feels so heavy that I feel like I can't even speak. She shuffles, uncomfortable, before she speaks again to me. "What did she do to you in that hotel room?"

"She didn't do anything."

"Look, I'm not gonna push you… but you didn't come back the same that day. You think nobody noticed but I sure did. You were so… fragile. And it was the same at the hospital, when she started yelling at you and accusing you of stuff, you weren't your normal snarky self, you didn't tell her to fuck off and get a grip or anything. You just stood there like a scared little girl and took it. You didn't do that by choice-"

"I know," I say, shaking my head as I bury it between my knees. "I know. Of course I know. You don't have to tell me… what happened in the hotel room wasn't the worst of it, just the first time in a while. She gets emotional and she takes it out on me, but it's okay because it's never really that bad."

Clementine purses her lips together and stands up, walking towards me she paces around me.  
"If it's not that bad, why won't you tell me what happened?"

"Because, it's…" I struggle for words. "hard to explain."

She slips down beside me, crossing her legs, she sits right by me and asks. "Did she hurt you?"

I nod.

"Blame you? It's all your fault?"

I nod.

"You're a bitch? None of this would've happened if you'd just done this, that or the other?"

And I nod again because it's like she's got it, spot on. I could've swore she was even in the room with me at that point. She lets out a deep breath and averts her eyes as if she were about to tell me something, but she doesn't, so I won't push.

But I speak again.

"She grabbed me. Pulled out, my… my hair. That's why I'm wearing my hat. It's not that bad but I don't want her to grab my hair again. She forced me to take a shower, which you know, wouldn't be too bad if it wasn't so hot, and she…" I stop now because I know how I feel and I know I'm about to start crying when I say it. Clementine looks at me confused, she reaches out to put a hand on my knee as if she's silently urging me to speak and somehow it works.

"I have an eating disorder." I say short of breath. "And I've been battling it since my dad died and she knows that. So she forces me to throw up. She does it so I'll feel like I need her." I say and she's quiet now, I'm worried I've upset or triggered her.

She looks at me and I look back as genuine as I can. 

"Violet, I'm so sorry." She tells me, and I've heard that before so I just nod and whisper that it's okay.

But it's not okay.

It's not okay because I know that even if I get away from Minerva today, every time I look at my arms, I'll see her marks. I'll see her. Every time I go to eat, I'll think about her. When I take off my clothes, when I shower, I'll think about how she watched me and humiliated me by making me feel like I needed her to wash my body, to handle me. 

I never needed her but she wanted me to need her so she broke me until I couldn't make my own decisions anymore.

"It's not easy."

"It's not." I agree before I look at her, she's staring at the ceiling in a daze as I speak, "Why are you here? You hated me when you first got here and now you're nice. Why?"

She looks back at me, I'm worried my words hurt her, she looks down at the ground and she's anxious as she drums her fingers against the floor of the bus. 

"When you left school, we were just getting close,"

"I know."

"But a lot happened after you left. So I don't think I have the right to take it out on you. I was just angry because… I liked being with you after school, studying, I liked our chats. I didn't like being at home and after you left things got bad and complicated and it's a really long, hard, dark and horrible, horrible story I just can't talk about right now… it's just, things are rough on all ends. There's a lot you don't know about me." She said, nervously scratching at her arm. 

Now I'm curious. 

But I still wanna be respectful. 

I nod, leaning my head against the wall and turn to look at Clementine, right in her eyes. I get nervous before diverting my eyes and swallowing.  
"I'm, I'm sorry for leaving you… I didn't… I'm sorry. Sorry that things were bad. You didn't deserve bad things to happen to y-"

"Thank you but I really don't want to talk about it anymore." Clementine says quickly. I look at her and notice her eyes are teary but she doesn't look back now, she just looks down. I nod slowly in understanding. She stands up and I see her wipe her eyes as she walks towards my bunk, starting to pull things out and nearly stuff them into my suitcase.

"We need to get you out of here," She says through her voice, freshly broken from her crying, "I don't want her to get back here and find you, we need to leave," she says before noticing something. Her eyebrows furrow before she scoffs. "You're zips broken. There's a spare case on the other bus, I'll hop out and get it, you stay here and get everything ready, be ready when I come back. We're leaving."

I follow her to the door. "We?"

"I'm not gonna leave you alone with her on your case!"

~~~~~~~~

It's been about fifteen minutes since Clementine left. Across the parking lot just to get a suitcase.  
I'm beginning to think it was just an excuse to leave me. I really hope it's not. I kinda believed she wanted to take care of me.

The door opens and I feel relief as I turn, expecting to see her, but instead see what exactly my nightmares are made of. I feel sick and angry again and I walk towards my stuff, picking them up 

"Vi-"

"Don't you dare come near me." I tell her. "Don't. Minerva. Don't." I warn her. She stands at the door and watches me pack my things into my little old broken suitcase for a few minutes before slowly urging towards me. I try to ignore her but soon she has her hands firmly placed on my hips and I freeze.

"Get off of me. You don't get to touch me after everything you've done to me." I tell her as she buries her mouth in the crook of my neck and I suddenly feel the disgusting sensation of her slimy tongue on my screen. I find that I almost scream to get away.

"It's over!" I screech, pushing her off of me and walking away to where I'm standing now, looking at her as she cries.

"I, I just wanted you to love me, Violet-"

"Love you?" I say bitterly, "Love you!? If you wanted me to love you, you should've talked to me! We could've talked things out but instead you went and faked losing my baby! Do you not see how that's messed up?! Is something off in your little pea sized brain?! That was my baby, Minnie!" I scream, pushing her back and she just let's me. She just stands there like a punching bag, with tears streaming her face.

I could pick her up right now and throw her against the wall. I could beat her like she beat me, pull her hair, call her everything she called me, and then she'd know how it feels.

But I'm not like her. That'd make me feel sick. So I won't. But that doesn't mean I don't wanna do it.

"You're evil." I tell her simply. "And I wish I had saw it earlier, so I could've told you what I'm about to tell you. You're not my hero, Minerva. You didn't save me. You didn't change things for me. You just got better at hiding the bad stuff from everyone else. You see this?" I show her my arm, "These, these are scars from needles."

"I, I know,"

"Do you know how many there are?"

She shrugs, rubbing her eyes, "I don't, I don't know,"

"Twenty seven." I tell her simply. "And there's more. On my legs. My other arm, my neck. And they're all because of you. Do you see them? Not a single one of these scars isn't because of you." I tell her, my voice is breaking but she needs to know. 

I step closer and look at her. The weak, small minded girl she is, I can finally see her again. I don't feel scared, so I talk for once.  
"Do you know what talking to you is like?" I ask her. "It's always, that didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't bad. And if it was, it wasn't a big deal. And if it is, it's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did," I say with tears falling from my eyes. I swear I could only get one last word out.

"And if I did, you deserved it." My voice is only a whisper and she won't even look at me. Have I succeeded? "I heard that one a lot. Can you tell me why? Why did I deserve to lose my hair? Why did I deserve to be treated like that? Why did I deserve to believe my baby died? Why did I deserve to do the things you made me do with you, for only your benefit?"

Now she looks at me, tilts her head to the side and doesn't make an effort to wipe her teary eyes.   
"I love you."

"No,"

"I do," She says as she puts both her palms on my hips again, leaning closer to me, her lips pressing to my temple before I push her off.

"Get off of me!" I scream, pushing her away, she grabs my wrists and she does what she does best and intimidates me, pushing me against the wall and shaking me as I start to cry.

"Will you fucking listen to me?!" She screams right into my face and I'm sobbing now because I thought this was over and I thought I was free and I thought I'd be okay but here I am again.

Minerva looks at me with those cold, cutting eyes. They tell me words without speaking. She tells me how much she hates me and I can't even react back until she falls forward and on to the floor, holding her head.

"Fuck!" She screams, and I see blood through her fingers. My instinct says to help but when a hand wraps around my wrist and pulls me out of the bus, I follow.

"I'm sorry I took so long!" She apologizes as she runs me towards an Uber and I notice our bags right outside of it. She gets me into it and then hauls in our bags but by now it's all too much.

It's so so much it's way too much I can't take it it's too much I don't know what to do I'm scared I feel like I'm gonna get sick it's like everything's spinning around but also moving too fast to the point where I can't even stop myself unless I close my eyes-

"Violet!" Clementine says to me, I see her hand on her shoulder as she shakes me. I look at her. The cars moving and I think I blacked out. My eyes are full of tears and they're streaming down my face as I look at her.

"She kissed me."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone."

"I feel gross. I want to have a shower." I say, turning my head away from her. "I don't feel safe. I feel scared. I don't feel good. I feel bad. I just feel bad, like I'm in trouble for something I didn't do. I just don't want to see her again but for the rest of my life I'm gonna have to see her winning at life and being successful while I try to recover from what she put me through. I don't think it's fair."

"It's not fair." She agrees.

"But even if I went to the police, that'd only open a court case and I don't see the point in traumatizing myself further. I just feel really lost and sick and I just want to fall asleep forever." I express, and I'm not expecting it when she wraps an arm around me and pulls me to lay against her shoulder. 

She clears her throat. "Is this okay?"

I let out a tired sigh and nod slowly, closing my eyes against as they feel heavy and are coming down whether or not I close them.  
"You were at the hospital when I left? For a while?"

"Not long." She says.

"Did… did they get Sophie's results?" I ask, feeling sick as I ask. She doesn't answer and I open my eyes and look at her. "Clem?"

She closes her eyes before speaking and doesn't look at me, just stare's on straight ahead.  
"She had a seizure, so they said. Her liver's clear but they're um, they… I don't think I should be the one to tell you all this, Vi. We're not close yet, you should hear it from someone who-"

I sit up, "What is it? What's wrong?"

She closes her eyes again and takes my hand. "She's being tested for cervical cancer."

For the last time tonight, I close my eyes. I can't tell if it's shock, heartbreak or exhaustion, but I know I can't stay awake any longer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning I'm awake in a hotel room. I don't remember getting here and from what I can see, I'm alone in the room. 

I definitely feel better than the last time I was in a hotel room.

I sit up and realize I'm still in my clothes from the night before, everything except my beanie and my belt is gone. My pants still fit though. Funny enough, the belt only highlights how bony I am.

And suddenly I remember what I told Clem last night about my eating disorder. Nobody knows much about that. Why did I trust her so much? I don't know. I think I'm being too open with her.

I don't think it's a disorder. I think it's a coping mechanism. And it's not all the time, so it doesn't really count, like what Minerva does to me. Doesn't happen all the time. So it doesn't count. No matter how traumatized I am. Despite the fact I can't look in the mirror without wanting to cut myself open and pick apart the pieces of me that are tainted by her memory or touch and take them out. 

I walk towards the window. I must be on the last floor, I think, because it sure is a long way down. Now I realize, I'm not actually wearing my clothes. In fact, everything's gone except my underwear. I'm not even wearing my engagement ring.

Oh yeah. I was engaged. I forgot.

So I'm naked. In front of a huge window, looking down at the world. Is this empowering or does this highlight how she made me feel?

We never had a shotgun shot in the dark.

On one hand, I'm naked in front of a window and everyone can see me. I imagine seeing her reflection behind me, walking up slowly, gripping my hair, and telling me to look at all those people who'll never help me. And that's humiliating and triggering and really scary. 

On another, I'm looking out at everyone from above. And while there's a slight chance, some will see me, there's a bigger chance they won't. They're all living their own lives. Minding their own business. I'm too small to make an impact on their day. And I really like that. Something about being this open in front of everyone to see and nobody caring really resonates with me.

It's because she told me that everybody would over analyze every little thing I do and judge me. 

I wish she was here right now so I could say, "Look, I'm naked in front of a whole city, and not a single person cares. Your narrative is wrong. You're wrong."

But somebody cares. Cause when the door opens and I hear a gasp and footsteps running towards me, I know that she cares.

"Vi! Anyone could see you!" Clementine says, grabbing a blanket from the bed and wrapping it around me from behind. I feel tears in my eyes as the soft silk collides with my skin and almost instantly relieves me of the cold I didn't know I was feeling. "Violet?"

"I don't think it's over." I say quietly. "It's not over yet."

"No. No, it is. You're away now, she has no idea where you are."

"When I go home," I say as I stare out the window at all the cars down below. "Her stuff will be in my mom's house. Pictures of us together. When I go to bed, I won't feel her. And that's not bad but it's scary because this is all I've ever known since I was a kid."

Clementine sits down on the bed behind me, I hear it dip. She's quiet and I think it's because she wants me to keep talking, so that's what I do.

"We first slept together in Ericsons. In my dorm. That time when everyone went on that camping trip but me and her couldn't go cause we didn't pass our psych evaluations. We didn't pass on purpose. We wanted to sleep together that night." I swallow dryly as my eyes fill with tears. "It was nice. It was really nice. Because we didn't know what we were doing, so it was slow and gentle. But every time after that, it hurt. It hurt me. She hurt me. It wasn't about us anymore it was about her and the thing is…" I stop to wipe my eyes. "It wasn't even just her getting off. She'd make me do things to myself."

"Like?"

I shift uncomfortably and turn around, facing her, I hold the blanket in place as I sit on the bed beside her and back up on to it.  
"Touch myself for her. For pictures."

"Pictures?"

I shrug. "There must be dozens of them by now."

"How old were you?"

"I was over age." I promise before wetting my lips to speak. "I don't care if she leaks them, I don't care if she sells them and I don't care who sees them. I don't value my body. I don't value myself enough to care. Who's gonna see them? The only person I cared about is dead." I explain to her. She shifts from her sitting position and lays on her back, her hands cupped together resting on her stomach as I sit curled up into myself against the headboard.

"I care about you." She says. "When you slept on my shoulder last night, it made me think."

"About?"

She looks up at the ceiling and I can see a smile on her face for a moment before she speaks.  
"How I really wouldn't mind a twenty hour drive with you. We could go anywhere and pretend none of this happened. I don't think it's gonna happen. But it can live in the softest part of my mind for now."

And that touches me. Not the way Minerva's words would touch me. I always felt like an unwanted burden to her unless I was high off my head or laying back naked. But we're not dating, we're not romantic in any way possible, I mean we're basically strangers, so why do I feel more loved by her in the past few minutes than I did with my fiancee for years?

I smile. It's small, almost unnoticeable, but genuine. So very genuine.   
"Thank you for getting me out of there. But where are we?"

"We're not far. Maybe a forty five minute drive." She replies. "So. Are you out of the band?" She asks and that gets me thinking, I avert my eyes in shame. 

"She pretended my baby died. How am I supposed to work with her?"

"I'm not saying you should." She tells me and I turn to look at her again. "But this is your life's work. You should take a break then finish the tour. Give yourself some time to work on a solar project."

"I loved her." I say with conviction, well aware that it's nothing to do with the conversation. And she nods.

"I know."

"Really, though, I did. When she hurt me, I loved her. Maybe I was brainwashed but it felt real. I felt like no matter how much she screamed and bit and pulled and slapped the shit out of me, behind her eyes she was just that girl I fell in love with. That girl that hovered over me in bed and wouldn't do anything unless I was sure it was okay. That girl who used to write me love songs and sing them to me in the night time over phone when I was scared or nervous about something… I don't know why she had to go away." I say as I wipe my eyes, a melody getting to my head, I hum it quietly and raspily and tap my foot.

"Writing a song? Wow. You never stop working." Clementine chuckles at me but by now I'm so stuck in my brain, I can't snap out of it.

"Frustrate me backwards… out of my head? Um, no, shit…" I say quietly, trying to decode those lyrics floating around my brain, "hmmhmmm,"

"Should I leave you alone-"

"Stay!" I tell her, still in my mindset somehow. "Easier to write with you. You're easy to love… Easy to… hate! I got it!" I say excitedly before I speak the lyrics aloud.  
"It's too easy to hate you, you're hard to love, it's too easy to hate you, when was it not?" 

And suddenly my brain is working hard to get the song together and I have nearly the full first verse done in less than three minutes.

"Frustrate me backwards, into bed. My blue and green, they turned to red, hmmm, I used to save the words you said in the texts that you would send when you were going to bed, it's like you were yellow and the lights were red… both know, you'd… both know you'd never stop until we both stopped dead! That's it!" I say with excitement, feeling accomplished to have finally made something and been creative and productive before I remember.

I'm not a musician anymore.

And my face falls and I'm sunken again.

"Look at me. My best friend has cancer, my baby isn't real, my relationship is gone, my job, and I'm sat here writing a song, like as if nothing matters. I hate myself."

"Sophie hasn't got cancer, she's only being tested."

"She's gonna have it." I say as I stare ahead. "I just know she will."

We're quiet. Neither of us speak for I would say a whole ten seconds before I realize I have a question and it comes out without me even thinking about it twice.

"Why was I naked when I woke up?" I ask, turning to look at her. Her cheeks are red. I don't know why but that stands out to me.

"You threw up all over yourself and I had to get you out of your clothes." She says nonchalantly, "I hope you didn't find it weird, I was worried… you'd think something happened."

"No, no, sorry. Yeah, it's okay. Thanks." I reply before leaning my head back and closing my eyes tiredly. "I'm going to need some sleep."

"Yeah, you do that. My rooms down the hall, 302. We'll visit Sophie later." She smiles at me before she stands up and smiles before she turns away.  
"Bye, Violet.

"Bye, Clem."

That's when I realize it.

This is the first time I've ever said goodbye, and not felt scared. 

Maybe I don't need this anymore.

Maybe I'm safe.

Maybe.


	9. A little more of her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And that's when I realize, maybe I just needed a little more of Clementine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, slightly rushed, not doing great! Enjoy anyway!

After Clementine left the hospital room, Louis took his place by his girlfriend's side. Sophie hadn't said much, she spent most her time sleeping these days. It'd been only four days yet she was deteriorating right in front of his eyes and he didn't know what to do anymore.

Louis rests his head on his hand, his elbow propping him up to look at his girlfriend's face. Sophie turns slightly with furrowed eyebrows, mumbling something he can hardly make out.   
He reaches out and moves her hair out of her face when she opens her eyes, he moves closer to her.

"Hey, you should be asleep," He says quietly, "Clem's just left, she left you a card, Vi's coming in a few days."

"Minnie…"

"She'll be here, too."

Sophie's eyebrows furrows again and she shakes her head weakly, eyes closed, she seems delirious. Her voice is hoarse as she holds his hand and mutters,, "No."

He nods in understanding, "You don't want her anymore?"

"No," She whispers in protest. A sigh escapes her throat and she opens her eyes wide for the first time in days and she speaks looking directly at him. "I knew."

Louis looks confused, "Knew what?"

"About," She coughs, "M-Minerva, she faked being, being pregnant…" she wheezes weakly, "and I knew.*

~~~~~~~~

I guess I never wanted it to be this way. I guess I didn't mean for it to happen like this. I guess everyday I wonder what it would've been had it all just stayed, but this is where I am now.

When Violet left for tour all those years ago, I wondered if I ever meant anything to her. We aren't close at the time but we were getting closer and it was different. Life was different at home. I know she had her shitty life too, but so did I, and when I got to stay with her and talk to her for an extra hour after school - it felt a little more bearable.

I never was a fan of this type of music. It's never been what I'm into. I thought she was a dreamer, I thought they all were. I guess it worked out.

What would Violet say if I told her that I took up this job to talk to her again? To see her? Even though I knew I'd be bitter, I'd be mean, I had to see her. I needed to know how much she's changed.

It's not right for me to be this obsessed with her, I know. I'm not obsessed. I just feel like I've watched people lose things so much, lose people, and watched them fall into a life that could've been so different for them. I wanted it to change for me, for her, I'm glad I came back.

I'm not Violet's saviour in any way.

I know that.

But did Louis drag her away from Minerva? Sophie's her sister. She grew up with her, she knows her. Why didn't she warn her? Mitch surely must've saw something, too. They all must've.

I think they think Violet was strong enough to pull herself away, and it's not that she's not strong, just that she couldn't pull herself away.

It's hard because you feel guilty when you walk away. It's this thing you've based your life around. So used to listening to the abuse that you just wonder who you'd be without it.

That's why I sit here right now, in the hospital. Violet's back at the hotel still, she's trying to rent an apartment, we've been hiding away from Minerva. It's been a few days, four, maybe? They've come and gone, nothing special. At night I'll go into her room and we talk, but I always leave before it gets dark. I like it this way.

The tour's cancelled until further notice. The management team are issuing refunds and the band have tons of angry fans but nobody even cares anymore. I feel like I'm always under water. Drowning and sinking and sinking and sinking.

"You wanted to talk to me." Her voice is cutting. I get what Violet meant by that now. It's like it's cutting through my brain and I can feel the scraping of it against me and I just want it to stop-

"Violet wanted me to give you this." I say, nervous as I dig into my bag and my hand searches for the ring. I take it out in its box and pass it to her, don't wanna touch her hand, but she takes it anyway and with a great silence she speaks.

"So are you fucking her?" She asks me and I swear I scoff at that, but she doesn't react. 

"Violet's my friend, I care about her, and I care about her wellbeing. She's going through a lot right now."

"And you don't think I am? My sister's got cancer and I just lost my fiancee!"

"Well you contributed to one of those issues." I say bitterly as I look at her now. "I like Sophie. I really do. I consider her a friend and I'd give anything to make her better but her being sick will not get you sympathy from me. Not when I've seen what you did to that girl you claimed to love."

"I only did it because she was going to leave me." 

God this woman is ruthless. It makes me happy Violet got out because God only knows what would've happened if she didn't. The last thing she needs is a baby with her.

Minerva crosses her arms. "It's not my fault she believed me."

I scoff again and stand up, beginning to walk out of the hospital, she follows me and continues to talk.

"You're a child." I say as I walk. "Oh, look at me, I know I stabbed you but it's not my fault you bled. Violet's right about you, not that I even second guessed her. You're nothing but a narcissistic bitch."

My wrists burn as I feel her skin twisting them and I'm up against the wall, praying somebody's gonna turn around the corner any minute and see me but not before she speaks.

"You think you're so good, don't you?" She asks me, her face inches from mine, "think that just cause she's fucked up that she'll let you in her bed, isn't that what you want? I knew that the second you came back you were gonna try and tear us apart. I tried to tell her what you are but she never listened because she's stupid, so are you."

"Get fucking off of me-"

"I heard, about you." My stomach churns as she twists both my arms above my head and I can't stop her reaching into my purse. "What happened two years after we left, hm? You were, what, eighteen?"

"Get off of me."

"Why? Does it remind you of something?" She says softly, picking it out of my bag. "You know, Vi's mom had her when she was sixteen. You wouldn't have been that young, if anything you'd be old. It's cute how you still bring your ultrasound pictures around with you, though," she lets my arms go slowly and I'm too dehumanized to try and take them out of her hands as she looks at them.  
"I thought about you when I faked that miscarriage and I want you to know that. It gave me some type of pleasure to know you had to go through all the shit I researched."

"You're s-sick."

"Was it a boy or a girl or did it die before you even knew? Does Violet know you got pregnant at eighteen or no? She wouldn't like you anymore if she knew that, would she?" She asked me with a fake pout. Faux sympathy. I can't.  
"If Violet wants to play with you then so can I. But you just don't have the features I'm looking for. I like skinny, blonde, weak and scared little girls who have no idea what they're in for. You're just too mature."

~~~~~~~

Waters hitting my face in little punches, but not like the ones I'm used to. Gentle, kind of, calm, understanding and most of all - refreshing. It feels weird to have a shower without it being too hot or too cold, and without being watched with a close eye while I do.

Something's refreshing about this whole experience. About Clementine. I like her scent. It's weird but it makes me feel safe when I smell her and I can tell she's not even wearing any perfume to make it happen, so it's unique and totally organic. The opposite to Minerva.

Something's refreshing about waking up and smelling hotel sheets rather than bus ones. I've been on the road since I was a kid, I've gotten used to the scent of Minerva's perfume on all of my stuff, but now that I haven't seen her in days it's wearing off.

Everyday that strong smell of storm flower perfume gets lighter and lighter and part of me finds myself missing it, but the other part reminds me who it belongs to and then I don't miss it anymore.

I pull on my shirt once I'm out of the shower and tie my hair up to try and prevent, or at least lessen, the amount of water dripping on to my shirt. Pulling a towel around my wait to cover the bottom half, I walk out into the room and don't expect to see that girl, with her perfect scent and perfect teeth, smiling at me.

I say perfect but she's anything but. She's got scars. Sometimes her teeth look crooked and her hair gets tangled a lot but I like it because it's her and she's not hiding behind somebody else's face to make herself seem better. She's perfect like that.

She's sitting on the bed looking at me and I decide I can't get dressed with her here, so I hold the towel as I sit down beside her. I note her expression now that I'm closer. Something's wrong.

I'm gentle, I reach out and took her shoulder and she allows me to rub her back with my hand as I speak. "What happened?"

She shakes her head. "I've made a mistake."

"What? You went to see Sophie? Was she there?" I ask in reference to Minerva, because who else would be there? Who else would upset her like this? All she's shown when we've been alone together is a hatred for Minerva - this is the first time I've seen her hurt because of her. And I don't like it because I feel like I'm watching myself cry for her and it makes me want to get sick.

She nods. "I, I gave her back your engagement ring."

What?

"I'm so sorry, I, I just didn't want her to have a reason to come back for you. I told her you told me to give it to her so she knows it's over for good, but she…"

I look down at her hand twisting her wrist. "Your arm's red! What did she do?!" I take it gently in my own hands and look over it, "She grabbed you?"

"Twisted it."

"Is it bad? Broken?"

"No, it's okay, I'm okay, I just feel bad, um…" She bites her lip and I know there's more to her. I always know. She's like a flower bed covering over a shit ton of weeds that she just didn't have time to pull out. Like when you sweep dirt under you bed or the rug to make your mom think you cleaned your room. She's not surface level, there's always more layers to her, but I still don't think it's my right to ask -

"Clem, what happened to you after I left?"

"No."

"Just tell me how bad it was, whatever it was, did you get help for it?"

"I really don't want to talk about, please don't make me, please,"

"Okay." I comply. I reach out to grab her shoulder gently, "I'm sorry, don't cry."

She's crying and it's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

I actually mess up everything. Wonder if my mom regrets ever meeting my dad sometimes. Well I know she does. Stupid question.

"It's just fucking hard and weird." She says as she wipes her eyes. "I don't talk about it."

"You don't have to, Clem, I'm sorry for pushing you, I shouldn't do that. I'm just worried."

"I went to therapy after it happened. I've had help, I'm okay." She promises and I nod. I move to sit back on the bed before remembering - I'm only in a towel. I stop as she's staring at me. I feel weird.  
"I'm sorry, you need to get dressed."

"No, no, it's okay. I can do it with you in here… if you don't wanna be alone…" I suggest sheepishly as my face begins to redden. What am I doing?

She swallows. "What do you have to put on?"

"Just, uh, pants. I'd go without them if I could but you know, bands, some of them are perverts. We were on this tour, like a festival one year where a ton of bands go to the one tour for the summer, a ton of guys took pictures of my ass. Fans went wild, majority telling them to fuck off and calling for them to be pulled from tour, pretty sure a few of them made fan accounts for me called shit like "violetsass" and "therealvioletsass". Shit was wild." I chuckle as I stand up and start to change.

Why am I so nervous? I can usually just throw on clothes in front of anyone but I feel heated under her gaze and it scares me.

She talks to me as I change and it's slowing me down and I wonder if she's doing it on purpose.

"What's it like being famous?"

"I'm not famous."

"Well, in your…" she struggles for words, "scene, I guess, you are. Does it ever scare you knowing how much influence you have over your fans? They're pretty young."

"What scares me," I say as I pull off my shirt in search of my bra. Am I doing this on purpose? Maybe. "is the people who use that influence for evil. Because it's easier for us to get into contact with our fans, we're not hugely popular outside of the scene, so it makes you wonder what people would do. But no, doesn't scare me. I love our fans but you know, I'm in it for the music."

"That's really nice." She says eyeing me. "Can I ask you a personal question now?"

I snort. "That wasn't personal enough for you? I don't always get that sappy."

She rolls her eyes at me and speaks again, "Do you, um… god is this too far?"

"You can ask, I've heard it all."

"Do you ever miss being… normal? Like, home, with your family, able to just… be normal, I guess?"

I haven't given it much thought.

Guess that's why I can answer so fast.

"Never. Everything's fucked right now but that's how it's supposed to be. I just wish my dad was alive. I don't even regret being with Minerva, she's shown me my self worth somehow… proved I deserve somebody else, somebody better."

"Yeah." She agrees before standing up, "I'm going to go down to the restaurant later. All I've had is room service and I could use a good meal, wanna join me?"

I nod, sucking in my bottom lip as I pull my belt through the loop of my jeans. "Sure. It's a date."

It's a date.

Fuck.

~~~~~~~~

I've never gone on a fancy date, if you could call this one. And I sure as hell didn't pack any fancy clothes for tour, so as I stand here looking in the mirror of the elevator and fixing the straps of this black dress, this skintight, black dress that I'm almost certain is Minerva's - I feel fucking naked. 

Not only am I wearing my ex's dress, but I look hideous in it. It's highlighting every part of me that shouldn't be highlighted. Every aspect. E v e r y.

The elevator pings and I regret not wearing a cardigan or something over my shoulders as I walk into the restaurant with my head down. Everyone's preoccupied, so I'm not the center of attention, but I still feel like all eyes are on me as I spot Clem and walk over to the table.

Happy I didn't wear heels, I run over to her and sir down immediately to try and blend in. She greets me and she's dressed better than me but I'm not surprised.

"I didn't know you had such great fashion taste," She smiles as I sit down. I look at her with a small smile.

"It's Minerva's. Must've fallen into my stuff when we were packing."

"It looks better on you." She smiles at me broadly and I smile back as I open a menu. 

"You, um," I clear my throat, "look good too - anyway, what's on the menu?" I ask, hiding my blushing face with it. She grins as she looks at her one before I speak again.

"Oooo, chicken nuggets!" I say, "Do you want chicken nuggets? I'll pay."

She shakes her head. "I'm vegetarian."

"Oh. Really?"

She nods awkwardly as she reaches up to scratch the back of her neck, "I had a health scare a while back. Taking better care of myself ever since, I'll just get a salad. And wine." She smiles at me and I nod as the waiter approaches and I order for us. I don't know how but Clementine makes me confident, she's got some type of energy about her. Maybe she's a witch?

The waiter goes off to get our orders as we sit and look at each other now and I notice her eyes flitting down to my choice of outfit. I heat up and try to cover myself.

"It was the only thing I had. I'm sorry if it's embarassing you to be seen with me."

"Not at all," She shakes her head. "You look nice."

And I smile again.

The rest of the night goes fast, our food comes and it's a little less than what we expected but we eat it nonetheless. Once we're finished the restaurants starting to get packed up so we bail, heading up to Clem's room, a room I haven't yet been in.

She collapses on to the bed in front of me once we enter and I stand up awkwardly looking at her. She giggles, sitting up on the side to look at me. She's childish - but it's not like Minerva is. She's fun and playful like children should be. Minerva's evil and manipulative - like nobody should be.

"You look so out of place in that dress," She giggles and I begin to feel more comfortable now that she agrees with me. "You look lovely but it's not you, do you wanna put on one of my shirts? It's big, I buy oversized ones to mask the pain that is my body and issues with self image and self love."

"Wow. Same?" I reply and we both laugh at that. Clementine's drunk, I can tell, she's never really this outgoing, but that doesn't mean I don't like it. She points me in the direction of her clothes and I dig out said oversized shirt, unzipping the skintight dress and pulling the shirt loosely over my body, unaware she's watching.

I turn around when I'm done and I redden.   
"Covers my ass okay?"

"You didn't seem to worry about covering your ass when you changed in front of me earlier," she says with a life that slowly dies down as I find I'm holding her hand now. I don't know why I am but I am. I don't remember why. But I know what I'm doing with it.

She swallows as she looks up at me and I guide her hand to myself, looking into her eyes. She's nervous. I'm nervous. But only one of us shows it, and it's not me. I let out a deep sigh but don't break eye contact because I need to know she's okay with this and I need to see her reaction.

All she says is - "You don't shave."

And a smile breaks out on my face. "Do you?"

She shakes her head and swallows again, breaks eye contact for a minute before looking at me again. "No one to shave for."

"You can shave for me."

Why did I say that? 

She smiles up at me as she begins to move her finger and I didn't fucking expect it. I bite my lip to stifle the noise that's threatening to escape my lips.

"I'm sorry, was I too hard?"

"No, no, it's just been a while." I say as I hold my breath. "Are you okay with this?"

"I wouldn't be doing it if I wasn't."

"Can I sit on your lap?" I ask then - "I want to kiss you."

She nods at me and I'm nauseous when she takes her hand away and gently, but shakily, puts both hands on my hips. She pulls me closer but I'm still leading everything as I slowly sit on to her lap, pressing my lips lightly against hers.

It gives me visions of inside and I don't know how to explain that other than, I just want to be close. As close as I could ever be. Closer than I was with Minerva. I want to be close in every way possible. I want her to hold me close when we wake up in the morning, when we go to bed at night, when we do this, when we're out in public, I just wanna be close. 

And when I'm lying so awake and thinking of the things I can't escape, I want to turn her into my reason.

That's what I think of as she falls gently beneath me on to the mattress and I think - for the first time, it's mutual. 

It's what I think when she sucks in so hard I can feel her ribs beneath my finger tips.

What I think of when she can feel mine.

When fingers are gentle on my skin or in my hair, it's when I realize I was right.

Maybe I just needed a little more than what I got. A little more than Minerva. 

I spent such little time with Clem in high school. Guess all I was really missing was a little more of her.


	10. distance makes the heart grow fonder but I've found her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What's she gonna say when she finds out we had sex?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone
> 
> I know you're probably tired of hearing about the virus, but my schools been shut down until the end of the month and online classes are making me very anxious so if I don't update for a while, that's why.
> 
> Also somebody pointed out I didn't write smut last chapter, listen, for what I did write it was big for me. I'm not comfortable with that stuff so pls be nice.
> 
> I'm still not doing great and I've been dissociating a lot lately HOWEVER I did start a new story to help me cope with my forever going downhill mental health so if you wanna read that, go ahead ig.
> 
> This is shorter but I still hope u enjoy.
> 
> Bye bye

Violet's careful as she moves up to kiss the brunette's forehead, her hands tangling into the younger girl's one as she pants. Violet pulls away to look at her in the darkened room, the only light seeming to be the glow of the bathroom light still left on.

She smiles and brushes the curly locks away from the girls eyes as she shuts them closed tiredly trying to catch her breath for even just a moment.

Violet smiles broadly because sex has never felt that mutual before.

"Do you want, to sleep?" She asks in her own tired voice, "I can keep going if you want."

"Mm, tired," she mumbles and opens one eye to look at Violet, arches her back to stretch and whispers, "you're good."

"You're amazing." Violet falls to lay beside her, turns to say one last thing when she realizes that the girl's already asleep.

And so Violet goes to sleep, too, for once dreaming of a life where she's happy and Minerva doesn't exist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's weird. That feeling when you wake up. That tiredness you still have, even if you slept ten hours. Weird how my body aches and how I groan as I twist myself around beneath the sheets.

Even weirder as I come to realize I'm naked.

Even weirder when I remember, oh, yeah. That happened.

That.

I have my eyes opened and all I see is her hair, lazed around her eyes, framing her sleeping face. Angelic like but not perfect, but perfect to me because I have my own images of perfection. It's weird because I'm used to seeing Minerva's hair. But her's never framed her face the same way, it seemed like it would always be the same. Clementine's hair had the potential to change her entire persona if it wanted to.

She shifts slightly and I'm caught, the way she furrows her eyebrows in concentration, in tune with her dreams and thoughts, it catches me. I know she's awake as I listen to the breaths she take and when she opens her eyes at me, I have to stop smiling so I don't seem weird.

She looks at me and her eyebrows are still furrowed. They change slightly, contract before they stop again and she softens. All I can think about is the fact I, well, you know, wanna kiss her.

A soft, scratchy throat mutters - "Did we?" and I'm forced to reply with cheeks barely tinted pink and a sheepish nod.

"We did."

And she's quiet and I'm quiet and I realize it's all quiet now. Everything's quiet now. I don't know how I feel until she speaks again.

"I liked it."

And in my mind I sigh with relief.

"I liked it, too."

"Was I good?"

"Really, really good. Insanely good… I wish," I stop, "I almost wish you could feel how good you were." I'm looking down beneath the sheets where I'm still, very much exposed, before meeting her gaze again. She's red all over and I love it as she inches closer to me.

I can smell her.

She brushes barely off of me, her knee touches my leg and she rests her head on my pillow now as she stares at me.

"I've never done anything like that before. I was worried you'd think I was really bad."

I smile. 

"I've never felt safer with anyone," I'm saying, "I've never felt that way before. It felt like my first time, too. We're in the same boat… But I don't know what this makes us."

And she doesn't look at me anymore, she just sucks in her bottom lip. "No, I don't know what this makes us either."

We're both quiet. I've totally ruined the mood. Why couldn't I just let myself have one good thing? That's a question I feel like I'll always be asking myself.

She speaks again - "I think that we should spend some time talking. Because I feel like we still don't know each other."

"We had sex."

She reddens. "Yeah, I know. But can we just talk, now? Naked, in bed, just kind of… exist together? We don't need any labels or anything like that right now. Let's just coexist."

I shift to look at her. She looks genuine, complete with a smile on her face and her hand on my forearm, I hadn't even noticed it. I nod to her and move again so that I'm facing her completely.  
"Do you want to talk about anything specific-"

"I think I need to tell you something." She says seriously. My heart pounds now. I don't think anybody likes to hear those words, but I don't wanna delay her further or worry her so I nod slowly.

"Tell me."

She takes in a deep breath and I see her forehead crease as she furrows her brows in concentration. Nothing seems to make sense anymore and it's like everyday of my life is a wheel spin of what-the-fuck-will-happen-next.

"After you left for tour, about two years after, maybe, I had… I was… I got pregnant."

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, fuck fuck. Why do I know where this is going?

She's taking a deep breath as she speaks. "I had a miscarriage literally days after my first appointment. I was eighteen. That's what happened after you left and, and, I'm not ashamed but it's hard to talk about but I feel like you deserve to know."

I swallow quietly and turn to lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling. On one hand - Minerva. This reminds me of her, when she told me she'd had a miscarriage. On the other hand - I just know Clementine's not gonna lie to me. And that makes it both harder and easier to listen to her story. 

And so I speak. "Is that why you lightened up on me after the miscarriage?"

She nods and twists to the same position as me, holding the covers over her chest.  
"When you go through something, doesn't have to be down to every detail the same thing, but when you know what the overall feeling is, it's hard to hate people. When you know their story. I know that Minerva forced you to do things and I know that somebody did the same to me. Do I know what those things were she did to you? Not all. But I can relate and that makes me in a fucked up way, feel better."

"I feel better, too."

Silence.

"Minerva stole my baby's pictures."

"Fuck… Fuck, really?"

"Yeah. Yesterday. When I went to see her. I have copies so I don't worry too much. I don't like that she has them and I'm worried about what she'll do but if she burns them, well, like I said, I have copies."

"You don't deserve to get caught up with her. This is my mess."

"What's she gonna say when she finds out we had sex?"

I purse my lips in thought. I'm quiet.  
"I don't think she'll say anything. She'll just act."

"Then it is my mess." She says with a quiet voice. "It's our mess."

"Romantic?"

"I don't think so." She says, we both turn to look at each other and a laugh escapes through her lips. "This is so fucking weird, I feel like I'm in a fever dream."

"Imagine how I feel… Last month I was trying to buy a house for me and my "expecting" girlfriend whilst high off my ass. Now I'm in bed with you. Naked." I rub my eyes tiredly before groaning, "God, my mom is gonna be soooo fucking confused when I go home."

She laughs before she looks at me again with a broad smile. "Yeah, I think your fans with riot."

"Who caaaaaares?" I roll over with an arm widely outstretched and wrap it around her, pulling myself closer. "Is this okay?"

"I've never cuddled before." Her breath is hot and light, like when you're young and you have your first crush and they "accidentally" brush off of your hand. I smile with thoughts blooming around my brain before inching closer slightly. 

It's so weird to have a surge of confidence run through me. It's never happened with Minerva.

"Clem, can I kiss you? I don't remember kissing you last night."

"You didn't."

I furrow my brows, "We had sex, but I didn't kiss you?"

"Not on my lips, anyway."

"Can… I?"

She smiles at me and her hands shift, she brings them up to cup my face and rests my chin on her chest to look directly up at her. I'm becoming red, hot, embarassed, excited, scared all in the space of a few seconds. Her lips graze my forehead and she speaks.

"Yes, you can."

"Okay…"

"Are you going to?"

I feel myself sinking slightly back into the sheets because this is scary. It's scary and really insulting when I realize, I don't even know how to kiss anymore. The only time me and Minnie kissed was when we were having sex and doing it for shows - you know, anything but gentle, loving, soft, tender. Not like that. It was more of a "I'm having sex with you" kiss. 

The sex was even worse.  
.  
Times running out so I carefully use my elbows to push myself up, and press my lips to hers for a few quick seconds before pulling away with a big grin on my face like a child. She smiles back at me and twists her fingers through my hair.

"It's weird seeing you as your own person. It's good, it's nice, but it's weird."

I feel confused. "What?"

"I mean it's like you were always living in her shadow." She tells me and I'm about to respond when there's a loud pounding at the door and the hair on the back of my head stands up like a cat. I need to move. I need to get dressed but I'm too shaken.

"That can't be her. That can't be here. She can't know I'm here. She can't, oh my god,"

"I'll get it," Clementine offers and I want to stop her, I want to tell her no, I want to prove I'm strong but the truth is, I'm not strong right now. She gets up and she throws on her shirt, on the floor from the night before.

Walks to the door and opens it.

"Where is she?!"

I panic and duck under the covers.

Like that's gonna help.

I don't even register the sound of what's happening, what their saying, I kind of just hear noise and sit there. It's like I lose consciousness for a while because it all goes quiet and when I open my eyes, the covers are being lifted off of me and I expect to see Minerva but instead I see Clementine clutching something. She's gentle as she reaches out to me.

"She's gone." She says.

I look up at her, "H-How did you get rid of her?" I question and she looks at me and just looks down at what she has in her hand.

"I told her you left last night, I don't think she believed me but it worked for now. We're going to have to leave," she says, "she gave me back my pictures."

I swallow, "that's, that's good… are they okay?" Her eyes fill with tears, "Clem?"

"My hat," She says, "She took my hat. First my pictures and now my hat. I haven't got any other hat. I need that one. That's mine."

I soften at her face because seeing her cry is different than seeing anyone else cry. When somebody cries to you, you feel awkward, like you can't do anything, but I feel like I could actually help her but I don't know. Maybe I'm just stupid.

"We can get you another one."

"We can't," She just says, putting the pictures down beside me on the bed, she stares at them as she tries to calm herself down. "I should burn them."

"What? Why?"

"So nobody can take them."

"But they're yours."

"Does it even matter? Minerva thinks she can shame me by telling everyone what happened to me, before I could just say it didn't happen and now she has proof… she's got my fuckin' hat… Why does she need that?"

I put my hand on hers and speak, "Listen, Minerva faked being pregnant and having a miscarriage so that I'd love her. She's a lowlife and the only person who'd believe a word she says is her die hard fans, and if you want some advice, barely any of them exist. The bands got a shit reputation cause of her."

She nods and goes to grab her phone, she swiped it open and she's about to take a picture of what I assume is her ultrasound pictures before she points the camera at me with a smile. I look confused but grin.

"Why?"

"I wanna take a picture of you. I'll only do it if you give me permission though."

I furrow my brows with a smile. "I'm naked."

And she flushes pink as she meets my eyes, "Um, face up?"

"How do I know you won't sell this to my overly in love with me fans?"

"Because I only wanna see you like this."

Well, fuck.

I blush.

Like, really blush.

And of course, that's when she snaps the picture. She has a devious grin and I can't even look at her.

"I won't show anyone, Vi, I'll delete it right now if you want to. I zoomed in, it's your face only. I just want a picture of your face."

"It's okay." I reply as I notice her smile faded for a moment and she's sad again. "Clem?"

"I don't have a job now. The tour's cancelled. I have… stuff to pay, fuck,"

"Hey, it's okay. I'll help you with money."

"But it's not even money, it's the fact I need a job and I'm going to have to leave you," she says. 

I'd been dreading hearing that.

"And you can't even come with me because we live in different states and, stuff…"

"I can come with you."

"No, Vi, you have your own life."

"Do I? I live with my mom and her step-kids who she loves more than me. I haven't got Minerva. I haven't got work at home, I haven't got anything to go back for. The only reason I stayed was so I could visit my dad's grave. But I wanna go with you."

She shifts and purses her lips, "I don't even know what we are. We slept together. Holy fuck."

"Does it matter what we are?" I ask her. "Ever since I left, something's felt off, Minerva's felt off, I've felt lonely, I've needed you for years and now you're here and I can't let you leave me again. We don't need labels, I don't need to be your girlfriend I just wanna be with you in any way. We can take it slow I just, I just don't wanna go 'home'. I'm a big girl."

"Vi," She says, "I want you to live with me."

"I want to live with you."

"But we're taking it slow. Promise me. We're not rushing things. We need to take it slow."

I grin. "I promise."

She sits up straight, closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath before she opens her eyes again and leans forward to kiss me.

I'm excited to do this, I'm excited to see her when I wake up, it's not like Minerva.

It's like I'm breaking away from her.

But she's still around every corner.


	11. You're gonna be the one that saves me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want to be with you. Let's just focus on that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> For the lack of updates. A few days after I last updated this story, a friend of mine passed away and I was quite blanked for a while and needed to step back. Upon that, I have writers block, but I'm getting better at it now. I've just had no motivation to write whatsoever. A lot, and I mean a lot, has happened since I last updated this book.
> 
> Which is why I'm so excited to share yet another part with you. It's quite short but you deserved an update. Please enjoy.

My bags are wrapped around my body as I strut into the bus. It's supposed to be our last day on our week "break" but here I am. Unaware of whether of not I'm coming back to the band. From what I was told, the fans know we're "on a break". But nobody knows how long that break will be.

Opening the door I'm met with Louis and Mitch, one of them stands up immediately. Mitch is lazed across the seats, my drumsticks in his hands as he hits them against his knees out of boredom. Louis looks at me, his hands in his back pockets.

He clears his throat - "Where have you been?"

I look at Mitch out of suspicion before looking at Louis again. I notice the bus seems cleaner.  
"Where's Minerva?" I ask absentmindedly. I could've just answered his question, but hey, who am I if I'm not complicated?

He sighs, sitting back down and purses his lips in thought as his knee begins to anxiously tap off of the floor. He speaks.

"Violet, you're not in the band anymore."

I furrow my eyebrows. "I know. I was plan-"

"No, I mean you're gone. We're terminating your contract, Minerva's doing it now." He explains before looking up at me. I suddenly feel sick, I wanted to leave, I did, but this changes everything. As the realization hits me, I walk fast paced down the narrow hallway and into the lounge to open the case always kept on the last seat, but it's gone.

"My songs-"

"Minerva's terminating your contract. Since she's the one who got it written up, the founder, if you will, she can do that with or without your permission. Every song you've written under the title of the band, it's ours now. I'm sorry Vi. You're too late."

I turn to look at him and as he averts his eyes I can tell he feels somewhat bad about this, but not completely. I clear my throat, my eyes are full of tears but I'm done crying for this band. It's all I've ever done.

"And you're letting her?" My voice is hoarse. "You're gonna let her take my songs, our songs? Even the ones we wrote together at Ericsons when we were sixteen year old kids, you're letting her take them and twist them and, and, warp our words? And for what? For a band, a band that doesn't give a shit whether we go to bed expecting to wake up or not as long as we make money?! This started out as friends and now it's a company and they own us all and she, SHE is the root of everything and you're letting her take everything from us!"

"She's my girlfriend's sister." He looks at me with tired, bored eyes. "I love Sophie. I can't fight with Minerva. I love her."

"You love her?" I spit. "And what, you think I didn't love Minerva, that a part of me doesn't still love her?"

He shrugs at me and shifts uncomfortably before looking at me. His eyes are staring into my soul as he asks me the question I feel like I've been avoiding for years.

"Did you?"

"Of course." I'm lying. "Would I have proposed if I didn't love her? Would I have agreed to everything if at least one part of me didn't love her? I hated her so much but there were times when I felt like I really could make a life with her and those are the times that got me trapped for so long. But I don't even know why I'm telling you this because why would you believe your best friend of over eight years when you could believe the person who manipulated her and lied about miscarrying her baby? No matter what. Everyone always believes Minerva." I walked swiftly passed him worried he'd try to grab me.

"So I guess I'll find somebody who doesn't."

~~~~~~~

I slam closed the door of the hotel room and walk over to the bed, drenched from both the rain and my emotions. I sit on the bed, curl my knees to my chest and start to cry before I even realize that Clementine's across the room from me, packing the rest of her things. 

"Vi… was she there?"

"I just," I struggle and wipe my eye with the back of my hand before she's sitting beside me with a hand on my knee, "everyone believes her no matter what I do. I could, could film her beating me and they'd find a way to twist it," I struggle for breath as she wraps her arms around me and encloses me in a hug.

"Whatever she's said to you, you know it's not true."

"She wasn't there-" I struggle out.

"That's good, isn't it?" 

I shake my head and there's tears no longer in my eyes as they spill onto my pants. She rubs my back and I know she's nervous when she speaks.

"Violet, you're scaring me."

"She's ending my contact with the band." I breathe out again and sit up, looking at Clementine my heart aches. "She's taking all my songs. She's taking everything. I'm just… It's like no matter how far I run, no matter where I go or who I'm with or what I do, she always gets the upper end of the stick. She always finds something good in it for her."

"Can she even do that or is it just a threat, are they just saying it to scare you?" She asks and I turn to look at her. I know I must look like a mess with my red, blotchy face and teary eyes and hiccing chest but it's clear she doesn't care as she kisses me. And that leaves me with more questions because it's only been like over a week, and I don't know if we're girlfriend's or if she's just using me like Minerva.

When she pulls away she pressed her forehead to mine and takes my hand in her own, running her thumb across my knuckles.

"We're getting out of here. The car will be here any second and then me and you are going to the airport. We're going somewhere she can't get us."

"She'll always get us." I shake my head, squinting my eyes shut closed. "She messes up everything, Clem."

"No," She puts two hands on the sides of my head and presses me down against the bed before straddling me. "She won't get us or mess us up. What we have isn't the same as what you had." She lays flat against me before lips meet my own and travel downwards.

"Didn't you say the car would be here any second?" I ask as she buries her face in the crook of my neck and I close my eyes feeling lips against my skin.

"Yeah, so let's up the pace."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You'd think that being in a band and touring away the rest of my teen years, that I'd be well used to sitting in airports with no sleep. But as I sit here now and she sits beside me, I feel like an escapist, trying to blend in. I'm running away, that's what I'm doing. Is it ever really okay to run away? Who knows.

Our flight was delayed so I'm sitting beside her, my legs curled up behind me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't exhausted, part of me feels like sobbing out of pure tiredness, but I need to stay awake. I feel like I'm on alert - I need to know if they find me. I have to be prepared -

"Violet, you should get some sleep." Clementine's voice is quiet but melodic as she whispers to me. I want to take her up on her offer but I can't, shaking my head lazily I try to reply before her gentle hands guide my head to lay against her shoulder. It takes me a minute to realize what's going on and when I finally settle down, it isn't long before I notice she's almost asleep.

But still, she speaks. "I don't know what's going through your mind right now, but I promise we're going to be safe. When we get there, I've got a gig already. And we'll get you a job, you can start making music from my apartment, whatever you need. I just, I want to help you."

"Does help me mean move me out?"

"Violet, no." She says sternly and interlocks our fingers. She's looking straight ahead and she's thinking to herself, I can tell, especially when she furrows her eyebrows and purses her lips. "There's still so much we need to learn about each other. A lot to talk about and work out, but this, god, I mean…"

"A relationship built on helping your partner escape a toxic person. Is it always the healthiest?" I'm only partially joking when I ask her that question. She's quiet again before speaking.

"I want to be with you."

"I know, so do I."

"Let's just focus on being together," She says, kissing my forehead. That public interaction, loving, kind, gentle, it's something I haven't had in so long. Something's refreshing about a person being open about loving you in public. Or maybe I've just been hurt one too many times.

"Hey…" my voice is raspy and I'm tracking circles absentmindedly against her chest with my fingers. "I'm worried it might be sensitive, but I was wondering if you'd tell me more about what happened to you after I left…?" I ask with the nerves of a four year old child asking for ice cream.

She bites her bottom lip and thinks I can't see it, but nods. "Sure." Her tone isn't anything special, which is worrying, but I accept it. It's an answer, after all. An answer to a question she otherwise didn't need to speak on.

She pulls the tickets out of her pocket, looking at the gate before looking down at them again. She sighs with relief and stands up, I follow her.

"We're sitting two rows apart. Come find me when the plane takes off, okay?" She tells me as we walk into the line, an announcement being made. Finally, we're going "home". 

I nod to her, "Yeah, I will."

Grabbing Clementine's hand, she holds me tightly as we walk to the check in. The man scans Clementine's ticket and she walks up ahead of me, waiting, before he scans mine and I follow. It's dark outside and absolutely freezing, wind hitting us from all directions and the sounds of the parked planes are too loud for us to think but as we walk together towards our plane - all I can think about is how happy I am. 

A stable life for once, for a while. A home that's not temporary, that my mom doesn't occupy. Somebody who loves me. Really, this time. I won't be constantly asked about weddings or babies. No Louis, no Mitch, nobody. No Minerva, not even on the phone anymore. It's Clementine. It's me. It's us and two bags of luggage and two tickets out of this place.

What more could I ask for?


End file.
